Life can be bloody hard when your income shrinks in the same way that a man’s todger shrivels up after a dip in an outdoor swimming pool in the middle of winter.
The difference between income and men’s todgers of course, is that one is required for day-to-day survival whereas the other is simply a fundamental part of the male brain’s decision making system.
Your mission, now that your income has been wizened to such a degree that it resembles the bank statement equivalent of a deflated Lilo – is to pump it back up again until it returns to its former glory.
The way to achieve this of course, is to try and get yourself another job.
There might not be much out there in your career of choice at the moment, so why not consider something different like dominating the world’s soft drinks market?
You’ll get to own a hug red truck and will see your company’s name on pretty much every drink can that you ever see anyone holding.
If mixing high fructose corn syrup, coca leaves and kola nuts together with carbonated water sounds like it could be a bit of a blast – here’s what you’ll need to do to become successful:
1. Become a pharmacist
………preferably one that’s addicted to morphine if possible. Your addiction will inspire you to look for an alternative nerve tonic and this should lead you down the road to developing a non-alcoholic drink that you can sell for the purpose of curing a multitude of diseases including morphine addiction, indigestion, nerve disorders, headaches, and impotence.
2. Invent a secret formula
Your new soft drink will require a secret formula that no one else knows if you really want to add a bit of mystique to your new product. You should also use stimulants in your drink, so we suggest you use cocaine and caffeine as the key ingredients. This will have the added bonus of allowing you to derive your new product’s name from a portmanteau of its source ingredients so therefore: cocaine comes from the coca leaf and caffeine from the kola nut, which will give you the name Coca-Cola (we suggest you change the “K” in Kola and replace it with a “C” for marketing purposes).
3. Create an iconic logo design
You’ll need something that is instantly recognisable and preferably based on a font called Spencerian Script which was developed in the mid-19th century and was the dominant form of formal handwriting in the United States during that period.
4. Create an iconic bottle design
No world beating soft drink will have a hope of being recognised the world over unless you serve it up in a bottle that is as iconic as the taste of the actual drink. You therefore need to create “a bottle which a person could recognize even if they felt it in the dark, and so shaped that, even if broken, a person could tell at a glance what it was.” We suggest you use the coca pod as the inspiration for your design, but bear in mind that you might have to slim it down at its middle diameter so that your bottle remains stable whilst passing through conveyor belts.
5. Use a franchise production model
Just because you’re attempting to dominate the international soft drinks market, it doesn’t mean that you have to do everything yourself. One way you can ensure you run an efficient worldwide operation is by using a franchise model instead of bottling everything up and distributing it yourself. In theory as the drink manufacturer and brand owner, all you actually have to do is create the syrup concentrate and then sell this to bottlers throughout the world who hold licenses to bottle the product in specific geographical areas. The bottlers then produce the final drink by mixing your syrup with filtered water and sweeteners, before carbonating and putting it in cans and bottles. The bottlers then sell and distribute to retail stores, vending machines, restaurants, and food service distributors on your behalf – it’s easy really isn’t it?
6. You might want to consider changing the ingredients
As tasty as we’re sure a drink that comprises a significant amount of cocaine must be – if you go around selling soft drinks full of cocaine, this will make you nothing more than a common drug dealer, so you’ll need to change your secret formula to ensure that it doesn’t break any narcotics laws every time you sell a bottle.
7. Create some kick-ass advertising campaigns
If you’re going to dominate the worldwide soft drinks industry, you’ll need to ensure that your brand remains all pervasive across popular culture. One of the ways this could potentially be achieved is by changing the colour of Santa Claus’s clothing to red – thus ensuring that you are associated with the joy of Christmas. You’ll also need to use catchy slogans like: “The pause that refreshes”, “I’d like to buy the world a Coke”, and “Coke is it” to really ram the point home about how tasty your beverage is – whilst simultaneously sponsoring a whole plethora of international and regional sporting events as diverse as the FIFA world cup, the summer and winter Olympics, the cricket world cup, Major League Baseball, the National Football League, the National Basketball Association, and the National Hockey League, as well as many of the teams within those leagues.
8. Beware of competitors
Inevitably, with success will come a whole host of competitors that will try to steal your market share to varying degrees of success. In particular, you should look out for such undermining tactics as competitors conducting blind taste tests comparing your soft drink to theirs to see which one consumers prefer as proof of your competitor drink’s superior flavour.
9. Don’t be too hasty when it comes to changing the flavour yet again
The reason for this is that if you’re going to dominate the soft drinks marketplace, people will already be in love with the flavour of your drink. Just because your main rivals appear to be gaining ground on you and even if you believe you can create a superior blend of your world beating formula – that doesn’t mean you should. Remember that people love what they love simply because they love it and changing something people love and sticking the word ‘new’ in front of it won’t necessarily be seen as an improvement by the general public – in fact, there’s a strong chance that they might kick up so much of a fuss that you eventually have to revert back to the old flavour.
10. Create a whole host of other flavours
The list is endless. You already have Coca Cola, but why not try Caffeine-Free Coca-Cola, Coca-Cola Cherry, Coca-Cola with Lemon, Coca-Cola Vanilla, Coca-Cola with Lime, Coca-Cola Raspberry, Coca-Cola Black Cherry Vanilla, Coca-Cola Blāk, Coca-Cola Citra, Coca-Cola Orange, Coca-Cola Life, Coca-Cola Ginger – the list is endless.
If the Coca-Cola company can do it – why can’t you?