Welcome to the world of being unemployed.
You don’t have a job because in all honesty you should never really have been given one by your previous employer in the first place. You gave a good interview but when you said you wanted to be sat at the board table in 5 years time, they didn’t realise you were referring to your gambling addiction.
Alas, your afternoons are now spent asleep on the sofa because you’ve already consumed enough cheap cider before lunch to make a tramp suggest it might be a good idea if you had a cup of coffee.
It can’t go on like this. At some point you’re going to have to get your life back on track – you know, start doing the laundry and paying bills like normal people do and in order to do this you’re going to need a job.
Have you ever considered becoming a UFC champion?
The pay can be pretty good and you might get asked to appear in one of the Fast and Furious movies if you manage to win a few fights.
If elbowing people in the face whilst wearing fingerless boxing gloves sounds like it could be a bit of a laugh, here’s what you’ll need to do to become successful:
1. Get fit
MMA or mixed martial arts is essentially a test of the following: aerobic endurance, strength, agility, and bucket loads of willpower. You’ll need to be a great all-around athlete and be in tip-top shape before you can even consider entering the ring. Your aim will be to bulk up and develop your strength, so a decent heavy lifting and aerobic programme will help you get into shape. Time to stop drinking cider every morning for breakfast me thinks!
2. Learn to box
UFC is a mix of various fighting styles but learning to box will teach you the basics when it comes to throwing punches and defending yourself when standing upright. Conversely, trying to get your dog to take a bath will give you a head start when it comes to developing your grappling skills!
3. Do some wrestling
Obviously if you only ever wash your dog, your floor technique will only develop so far. The way to really push your horizontal fighting skills along is to get some experience doing mat wrestling as that will give you some of the fundamental principles you’ll need to become a decent fighter in the longer term.
4. Do some martial arts training
The best martial arts to become familiar with for MMA are:
Karate and Kung-Fu – great for developing kick accuracy and dancing to Carl Douglas records.
Judo – a great way to learn to get your opponent on the mat and your dog into the bath.
Brazilian Ju-Jitsu – generally studied by the most successful MMA fighters even though it sounds like an oxymoron.
Muay-thai – known as the “art of eight limbs” even though it only requires you to have four!
5. Develop your style and specialise
You need to identify your speciality and work hard to develop your skill. Your piece de resistance may develop out of other skills that have been honed prior to training in mixed martial arts. If you’re a wrestler, work on your mat game whilst also developing your boxing to become more rounded as a fighter. If you started out boxing you should consider training that develops your mat game as well. It’s important that you become as complete a fighter as possible because as you’ll soon find out, this isn’t Street Fighter and there are no ‘up-down-left-right-hold the C button,’ special moves that enable you to generate fireballs.
6. Find your best weight class
UFC fighters are generally categorised into the following different weight classes:
Bantamweight (the diddy ones that resemble little pixies): 126 to 135 lb (57 to 61 kg)
Featherweight (the not so diddy ones that are like large pixies): 136 to 145 lb (62 to 66 kg)
Lightweight (the ones that are small but mildly threatening): 146 to 155 lb (66 to 70 kg)
Welterweight (okay……): 156 to 170 lb (71 to 77 kg)
Middleweight (hang on a minute….): 171 to 185 lb (78 to 84 kg)
Light Heavyweight (whoa – these guys are big): 186 to 205 lb (84 to 93 kg)
Heavyweight (The oversized mutants): 206 to 265 lb (93 to 120 kg).
7. Get some fight experience
Now that you’ve done a decent bit of training, it’s time to get a feel for what competing in MMA is actually like. If it goes well and you don’t wet yourself upon seeing how muscular your opponent is, you should continue booking fights as often as your training schedule will allow. Trust your trainer to match you against someone with a similar skill level as you don’t want to feel like a slave from the Roman times that’s been unfortunate enough to get matched with a man-eating tiger in a packed amphitheatre.
8. Get your name out there
It’s time to start marketing yourself a bit. A good way to do this is to build up a profile and get involved in the various online fighting communities that exist. You should also use social media to stay in touch with your fans. Just make sure no one tags any photos of you from before you started training as that could damage your reputation somewhat.
9. Get signed to a management agency
You’ll need to develop a good track record of winning fights against strong opponents so that the various management companies get interested in you. You’ll need to establish a reputation as a winner not simply a starry-eyed wannabe and once you get to this point you may be able to negotiate a management contract.
10. Develop your persona
Muhammad Ali had his rhyming skills, Mike Tyson used to bite opponents ears off and Prince Naseem wore leopard skin print shorts. Whatever it is that makes you unique should be used to help create your personal fighting brand. Perhaps you could enter the ring holding a can of cider?
11. Become the Ultimate Fighting Champion
In order to become an Ultimate Fighter you’ll need to get invited into the UFC. You’ll need to invite UFC representatives to your fights and let it be known that you’re interested in joining. The organization is essentially an exclusive club that you have to be invited to join. It works a bit like an expensive country club but the similarities most definitely end there!