You can’t just sit around all day moaning about your old boss and how you were stitched up by your colleagues. You knew that fiddling your expenses was a sackable offence so now you’ll have to pay the consequences unfortunately. Your time will therefore need to be spent looking for work that doesn’t involve handling money directly because your impending fraud conviction might render a new career in banking highly unlikely.
Have you ever thought about starting your own space tourism company?
You’ll get to boldly go where very few people have gone before and will probably qualify for free drinks in your future space airline’s priority boarding lounge.
If slipping the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God sounds like it could be a blast, here’s what you’ll need to do to become successful:
1. Set up your own magazine
………preferably one that is targeted at students if possible. Its editorial content will need to feature lots of prominent musical artists of the day and you’ll need to become one of the principal platforms for new music releases – oh and it’ll need to be fairly successful as well so that you can start up future business ventures with the proceeds!
2. Open your own record shop
Now that your student magazine has started to bring in a few pounds of much needed revenue, you should diversify your activities in a way that builds on that particular area of endeavour. As you’ve been doing so much work promoting new releases in your magazine publication, why not have a go at setting up a record store if you think you can do it better than the main high street retailers. (NB: aim for somewhere that has significant footfall like London’s Oxford Street, or the only records being sold will be that of your bankruptcy filing to credit reference agencies).
3. Set up a record label
Now that your disruptive record store is starting to make a bit of cash, you should then go one step further in the music game and actually start producing records of your own. To achieve this, you’ll need to acquire a large manor house somewhere in the Oxfordshire countryside and build a recording studio in it. Your next job will be to lease out the studio to aspiring young artists that are trying to make outlandish instrumental albums with strange-sounding names like Tubular Bells and hope that the works in question go on to sell millions of copies worldwide.
4. Become the world’s largest independent record label
You’ll need to sign a few more bands first of course, but your foray into the music business should allow you to make a small fortune out of signing the bands that other labels wouldn’t touch with a bargepole. Maybe you’d even consider listening to a demo tape made by The W1nners’ Club perhaps?
5. Buy a stake in an airline
Now that your record label is making you absolutely squillions, you’ll need to grow your empire even further by branching out into the airline industry. Whilst signing The Sex Pistols and UB40 might seem a world away from owning a space tourism company, owning an airline isn’t too far removed from it so this will be your next crucial step. We suggest you hang out at London parties and engage in business conversations with people that go by the name of Randolph Fields (the original owner of the company that became Virgin Atlantic Airways).
6. Have a few punch ups with your larger, more established competitors
Preferably in court of course. Your aim will be to get them to settle out of court and pay your legal fees after several years of legal wrangling and much publicised mud-slinging in the media.
7. Enter the railway business
Well, it kind of figures that if you can do it at 30,000 feet in the air then surely you should be able to do it on the ground? Just be sure to prioritise punctuality as a key performance indicator or you’ll never hear the end of it!
8. Set up a space tourism company
You might need a bit of extra investment from another super-rich billionaire like yourself to help get things moving (we suggest one of the original founders of Microsoft like Paul Allen), and you’ll need to charge a ticket price of about $200,000, but there’s no reason why you can’t succeed. After all, if Richard Branson can do it, why can’t you?