Do you remember the last time you opened up an excel spreadsheet? The last time you flicked a rubber band at a colleague or the last time you had to get an Uber home after work because that ‘swift pint’ you were convinced by your colleagues to indulge in ended at 4am on a Tuesday morning.
That’s all a thing of the past now as unfortunately you are now unemployed.
Fear not however, because there are many things that you can do to get your career prospects back on track.
Have you ever considered building your own search engine?
You’ll have access to more data than the Office for National Statistics if you do.
If creating ‘doodles’ whenever an important event or anniversary takes place sounds like it could be a blast, here’s what you’ll need to do to become successful:
1. Enrol at Stanford University
Stanford University is to Silicon Valley what a Young Offender’s Institution is to adult prison. Many of the world’s finest tech companies were first conceived in its dormitories as boffin-brained freshmen/women hatched plans for world domination whilst selling weed and trying to get laid. It helps if you are able to improve on search engine technology by developing an algorithm that analyses the relationship between websites rather than simply counting how many times a search term appears on a page. Also, If you can, try giving your new system an odd sounding name like ‘backrub’ to denote the fact that your search engine checks backlinks to assess the importance of a website.
2. Change the name to something else
…………for obvious reasons. Whilst backrub is a fair representation of what your new system does, it’s unlikely the term will ever creep into the popular consciousness as a verb that describes searching for information on the internet. It’s much better if you change your name to something based on the largest number you can think of and then misspell it like Kazilllion! Okay – maybe not kazilllion – what about Google? That’s the one, Google!
3. Get some financing
It helps if you know a few wealthy techies before you incorporate your search engine company. People like Jeff Bezos of Amazon fame, Andy Bechtolsheim who was the the co-founder of Sun Microsystems and various other Stanford computer science professors and entrepreneurs might be willing to forward some initial angel investor capital.
4. Try to sell your idea to a competitor
No matter what you do to try to get a larger competitor to buy your company, you’ll find that they won’t be interested in purchasing your new idea despite the fact that it has the potential to change the world and your asking price is only $1million. Never mind however, because in a few years time you will have grown your company to such an extent that you’ll be able to launch an IPO which will make you pretty damn relieved that your initial offer was turned down – hang in there!
5. Start selling advertising
You’re going to need to earn some money from your search engine so that you can continue to pay the bills and afford a gym membership at a place that provides fresh towels free of charge, so we suggest you start selling advertising against the keywords people use to make searches. You might not like the idea as the thought of an ad funded search engine might seem a little obtuse, but if you make your adverts solely text-based this might help you avoid cluttering the page design.
6. Move to some plush new offices
You should by now have outgrown your previous office locations, so we suggest you move somewhere that is associated with tech start-ups like Mountain View in California. You may also want to consider incorporating the name of your search engine into the name of your plush new offices, so in your case you should consider the word Googleplex – get it? Your search engine is called Google and you have a new office complex? (cue tumbleweeds).
7. Launch an IPO
Hopefully by now, your little halls of residence dormitory coding project should be worth several billions of dollars in market capitalization and the lovely people that helped you out with their time and effort in the early days should also become paper millionaires. The challenge now will be to convince your new shareholders that you’re not going to turn into some boring corporate behemoth that is bereft of the vim and vigour of your early years as a DIY outfit. You may even need to create new jobs in the company like ‘Chief Culture Officer’ to ensure everybody knows when it’s okay to call in sick with a hangover!
8. Become the most valuable brand in the world
Your revenues by this point should fly past the $50billion mark as your brand becomes the most valuable in the world. You should try to remain relevant by placing animated doodles on your homepage to celebrate key events in world history and popular culture. Your dominant position in the world of all things online will also give you the opportunity to team up with other tech titans like Facebook, Intel and Microsoft to campaign to make Internet access more affordable so that access is broadened in the developing world via an affiliate known as The Alliance for Affordable Internet. As you acquire other innovative businesses, the time will come where you’ll offer so much more than a simple search engine and will be involved in the provision of various products and services such as self-driving cars, renewable energy, anti-ageing, artificial intelligence and so much more. In fact, you’ll probably be involved in so much that you may find it prudent to spin parts of the company off into separate entities. Should this happen, you might want to name your new conglomerate after the word used to describe the collection of symbols that are used to create language.
If Sergei Brin and Larry Page can do it, why can’t you?