What does the word LIFE stand for? Looks Interesting and F*cking Entertaining? La Crosse Is For Everyone? Labour Intensive Foreign Email? Whatever meaning you have attached to this part of existence that is known as living, at some point it will all have to be paid for. If you don’t have a job, this may prove difficult because like life, even credit cards have an upper limit. With this in mind, have you ever considered becoming a professional gambler?
You can make huge amounts of money by simply predicting what will happen before it actually does.
If tossing dice whilst sipping dry martinis at a roulette table sounds like it could be a blast, here’s what you’ll need to do in order to become successful:
Maintain discipline at all times
An undisciplined gambler doth not a professional gambler make. It’s important that the bets you place are all based on sound and logical reasoning rather than the fact that you had a vivid dream last night where loads of kids you went to school with were riding around on scooters wearing teddy bear masks and t-shirts that had the number 18 scribbled on the back.
It’s very difficult to be successful and superstitious in the gambling world for the simple reason that superstition has no sound basis in reality. You may have won £10 on a lottery scratch card once when wearing odd socks, but trust us when we say that this had more to do with the fact that you bought a scratch card rather than what colour socks you were wearing.
Always keep good records
………this is not a reference to your vinyl collection! What we mean is that your admin needs to be top notch if you’re going to make it in the gambling world. If you don’t know to what extent your system isn’t working, you won’t be very well placed to improve things.
Don’t fall foul of your ego
Admittedly, it can be quite difficult not to turn into an insufferable moron when you’re on a roll in life. If your favourite football team constantly wins the premier league, if you always manage to get laid on a night out with your mates, if you constantly hit your targets if you work in sales – all these scenarios turn people into idiots and gambling is no different. Unless you become so rich through gambling that it doesn’t matter how much money you lose, we suggest you leave your ego at the door because if you don’t, a big loss could be on the cards. That said, if you become so rich from gambling that the amount of money you lose doesn’t matter, you’d probably be better off doing something more worthwhile with your time!
Keep your emotions in check
If you’re the sort of person that oscillates between manic euphoria and near-suicidal depression as a result of watching the weather forecast, then becoming a professional gambler probably isn’t for you. Betting on sports will force you to endure bad refereeing decisions, incompetent jockeys, slippery race tracks and cyclists that don’t know how to stay out of a mass pile-up – so expect to have your emotions tossed about like a rag doll in the maw of an angry pit bull.
Brush up on your maths
It’s important to remember that gambling is a numbers game. You will only ever be as good and make as much money as the numbers allow you to. If you’re not very good with numbers, either team up with someone who is, or choose an alternative profession. Time to dust down that old GCSE maths textbook!
Look after yourself
Whilst being a professional gambler doesn’t require you to have the physical fitness of a footballer, you’ll still need to look after yourself. A lot of your time will be spent around casino tables late at night so it’s important that you avoid excessive drinking and/or drug taking binges as these will have a negative effect on your ability to perform. A good professional gambler should always have their brain functioning at their best so even a good diet is important – although arguably if you’re a Mcdonalds Happy Meal eating, alcoholic, drug addict, we suggest you sort out the drugs and the drink first!
Have an extremely understanding partner
Apart from the potential to lose large amounts of money when things aren’t going your way, professional gamblers have to work 80+ hours per week to stay on top of the odds. Gambling is a business that will take up large amounts of your time so an understanding partner is paramount if you want to be in a relationship. If you’re single, please bear in mind that ‘I’m a professional gambler,’ isn’t always the best opening chat-up line to use.
Good Luck! (You’ll need it!)