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Premiership footballer - The W1nners' Club


Let’s just for one second forget you had your thirty-second birthday last week. Let’s ignore the fact that you smoke thirty cigarettes a day and think the phrase, ‘going to the gym,’ is a euphemism for scoring gear from your Scottish drug dealer friend.

Since you’ve been relieved of your position in your previous job, you now have lots of time on your hands to do what you really want with your life.

You’ve always been passionate about football, so why not become a premiership footballer?

Before you sign off the dole however, you’ll need to assess whether or not you have what it takes to make it in the modern game.

Are you motivated?

Remember that Fitness First direct debit you ordered your bank to stop paying a few months ago? If you want to be a premiership footballer, you’ll need to train pretty much every day of the week. We suggest you pay them what you owe and book in a few personal training sessions because you’ll need them before soccer stardom beckons.

Train and train and train as if you’re aboard the Orient Express

Conventional wisdom dictates that you need to spend about 10,000 hours doing something before you become a world beater at it. You’ll therefore need to consider not going to the pub as often as you do and maybe, er – play a bit of football instead.

Believe in yourself

………..because no one else will. Remember the time you told your ex-colleagues you were planning on doing the London marathon (and didn’t) and everybody collapsed in fits of laughter? Becoming a footballer is even less likely and a damn sight more laughable, so you’ll need a strong character and buckets of self-belief if you’re going to win the Ballon D’or.

Make some You Tube clips

No, not of you and your mates attempting to create fail videos after an all day drinking session – you’ll need to be able to show people how silky your ball skills are. Leo Messi was apparently discovered via a video clip, so all you need to do is bang in 200 goals a game and hope someone is filming you on their mobile.

Put a football CV together

Before you start talking to agents and coaches, you’ll need a CV that states all your vital statistics and what you’re all about as a player. Unlike a CV for a regular job however, this will have to mainly contain the truth or you’ll get found out rather quickly.

Sell yourself

You’re going to need to start knocking on doors to get your shot at the big time. The usual way is to get an agent, but be warned that these guys have the moral fibre of, well…….football agents – they’re that bad! There are other ways to get your foot in the door however. One way is to look for academy trials and send out speculative emails. Don’t expect a deluge of replies though – believe it or not, you’re not the only person that wouldn’t mind becoming a premiership footballer instead of working in an office.

Be nice to people

Even Cristiano Ronaldo is reasonably well-liked by his team mates. You should therefore try not to fall out with the rest of your squad like you used to when playing five-a-side after work. Should you score an own goal or miss a penalty in the world cup final, it helps if your team-mates don’t hate you already – because they definitely will afterwards!

Sign on the dotted line

Make sure you get your professional contract looked at by a legal professional before you sign away the image rights for your forthcoming shampoo endorsement. The main thing is to be persistent and if you ever do feel like giving up, take a minute to think about Ali Dia (pictured above). He managed to spin the then Southampton manager Graham Souness into believing he was a cousin of Ballon D’or winner George Weah. As a result, he secured a one month contract with the club. In his only premier league appearance, he was apparently so bad that he was substituted after playing for only twenty minutes. If he can do it, why can’t you?

Good luck!


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