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Glazer Brothers - The W1nners' Club

The hours between 9am and 5pm now hold no more significance for you than any other 8 hour period of the day. This is because for some time now you’ve been asleep for the period between 9am and 5pm and wide awake for the rest of the day/night. The only way this strange nocturnal lifestyle has become possible is because – that’s right, you were unfortunately relieved from your position at work a while ago.

Your new job going forward will be to re-arrange your circadian cycle so that the hours between 9am and 5pm becomes the period when you are mostly awake (bar the odd power nap in the office toilets of course) and the rest of the time is for all the other stuff you have to do in between going to work and sleeping – this will be greatly helped if you manage to find employment again.

Have you therefore considered purchasing a premier league football club?

It might be possible for you to do this by borrowing the money for the purchase of the club by securing a loan against the club that you don’t actually own yet via a mechanism known as a leveraged buyout (which is a bit like using someone else’s credit card).

If hanging out at the Old Trafford football ground and lunching regularly with Sir Alex Ferguson sounds like it could be a blast – here’s what you’ll need to do to make it happen:

1.    Purchase the Tampa Buccaneers American football team


This will give you early experience of owning a professional sports team. If you can, try and get the local council to help you fund a new stadium for your NFL team and you should then aim to win the Super Bowl within a couple of years.

2.    Set up a sports holding company


Ideally this should be named after the colour of the main football strip of the premier league team that you are looking to purchase shares in. Once you have done this, have a look out for premier league football clubs that are searching for new investors and purchase a 2.9% stake for £9 million.

3.    Increase your stake to 3.17%


This should be done within about 6 months of your first share purchase in the club. Now that your shareholding is above the 3% mark, you’ll be obliged to tell the club’s management that you exist so that they don’t think that all their shares are being lost down the back of someone’s sofa.

4.    See if you can acquire 15% of the shares


If you do, you’ll need to start having long boozy business lunches with the club’s Chief Executive to let him know your intentions to take over the club in question and the Financial Times will likely tell people that you’ve been speaking to Commerzbank to explore a potential takeover bid – thus sending the premier league club in question’s price up by about 5% to a total valuation of £741 million.

5.    Launch a formal takeover bid


The rules state that you’ll have to do this once you own about 30% of the club’s shares – so no more cloak and dagger stuff and being coy about what will now be the worst kept secret in the world of football.

6.    Obtain a controlling stake in the club


You’ll need to court other major shareholders in the club who will include an array of business luminaries from fields as diverse as race horse ownership and Scottish mining. This is where the real fun begins, because once you manage to acquire a 75% stake in the club, you’ll be able to end the club’s PLC status and de-list it from the London Stock Exchange – it might not be easy though!

7.    Go for broke (not literally of course)


Now that you’ve de-listed your premier league club from the London Stock Exchange, your aim should be to acquire as many of the remaining shares as possible so that you can reach the 97.6% share ownership threshold required for a compulsory buyout of all the remaining shareholders. You’ll have to make a final offer on the remaining shares that aren’t yours and if possible, see if you can get the Chairman and various non-executive directors to tender their resignations.

8.    Bingo! The club is yours


Bear in mind however that it won’t always be plain sailing once you get to this point. You may find that a group of disgruntled supporters express concern at how much debt your takeover has heaped on the club and they may even form a splinter club that contains the ‘United’ part of your name followed by the letters F. and C.

Further down the road you may even find that fan opposition even goes as far as them wearing the colours of the original club that was formed back in the 19th century, but don’t let this put you off. Once you raise an IPO on the New York Stock Exchange, the club will be valued at over $2 billion, making it one of the most valuable sports teams in the world!

Good luck!


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