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Microsoft - The W1nners' Club

For most people, visiting a cashpoint is a fairly ordinary activity that causes minimum stress apart from the last few days of the month before your next salary cheque gets paid. When you don’t have a job however, visiting a cashpoint can feel a bit like the end of the world – except the world never actually ends so you constantly exist in a state of financial purgatory. It’s a situation that can’t go on forever or you’ll never be able to ask anyone out on a date anywhere nicer than Nando’s – so it’s imperative that if you are currently on the rock and roll, that you find a means of earning a living pronto!

Bearing this in mind therefore, have you ever considered kick starting the personal computer revolution?

You’ll get to spend your days hanging out with geeky types called Bill and Paul if you do. If creating ground breaking tech products named after an opening in a wall, door, roof or vehicle sounds like it could be a giggle – here’s what you’ll need to do to become successful:

1.    Have an interest in computer programming


It helps if you have a childhood friend that is also interested in computer programming as this will prove useful when it comes to establishing your first company that manufactures a rudimentary computer to track and analyze automobile traffic data.

2.    Come up with a catchy name


We suggest you derive your name from a portmanteau of the words ‘microcomputer’ and ‘software’ to sufficiently put your point across about what it is that your new company does.

3.    Develop your own operating system


You’ll probably find that you’ll need to work with a larger computer company like IBM to provide the operating system for their new personal computer. In order to make this happen, you may find that you have to purchase a clone of an existing computer operating system and rebrand it with a techy sounding moniker like MS-DOS. If successful, this will allow you to develop new products in other areas of the market like the Microsoft Mouse for example.

4.    Develop a graphical user interface


Whilst you may find that your competitors accuse you of copying their idea for a graphical user interface, the development of such technology will help you to dominate the world’s personal computer (PC) market with over 90% market share. If you can, try and name your GUI after an opening in a building that allows for the passage of light, sound, and air – no not ‘door’ you idiot, we were thinking something along the lines of a word like ‘Windows.’

5.    Float the company


The success of your operating system will give you the opportunity to float your business on the stock market. The subsequent rise in the value of the company’s stock will see the main players in the business become billionaires and a significant number of junior staff becoming millionaires.

6.    Create a productivity application bundle


This will involve the development of a suite of business applications that will bring together word processing, spreadsheet and presentation functionalities. We suggest you name your new application suite after the place that it’s most likely to be used – so therefore ‘office,’ would suffice as an appropriate moniker.

7.    Develop internet related products


Pre-emptive multitasking, a new user interface with a novel start button, 32-bit compatibility – your new operating system will have an improved selection of bells and whistles to enable you to compete in the online marketplace. You should also consider developing your own web browser at this point and name it after a person who travels to places that no one has ever been to before to learn about them – globetrotter? No. Traveller? Not quite – explorer, that’s it. Internet Explorer!

8.    Enter the games console marketplace


As game developers get lured away from your windows operating system, you’ll need to create your own gaming console to ensure the best gaming content remains available on your platform. Consider naming your new gaming console after the ‘DirectX’ graphics technology that it uses, add the word ‘box’ at the end and then remove the word ‘direct,’ to give you ‘Xbox.’

9.    Open a chain of branded retail stores


Now that you’re a major player in the computing world, it would serve you well to open a chain of your own branded retail stores to help consumers make more informed decisions about their PC and software purchases.

10.   Develop a smartphone operating system


As your main rivals steam ahead with the development of smartphone technology, it’s important that you try to keep up by developing a smartphone operating system of your own. The best way to achieve this is by revamping your ageing flagship operating system by swapping the word ‘Mobile’ in the term ‘Windows Mobile’ and replacing it with the word ‘phone’ to create ‘Windows Phone.’ It will of course be slightly more complicated than this, but the point is you’ll need to ensure you don’t miss out on the smartphone boom!

11.   Enter the world of computer hardware


Even though you are known for developing computer software solutions, it’s now about time that you make your first foray into computer hardware development. We suggest you give your range of touchscreen Windows personal computers and interactive whiteboards a simple but stylish name like ‘Surface.’

12.   Purchase the mobile phone company Nokia


………because you’re one of the largest tech firms on the planet, so why the hell not? You will need to have a spare $7 billion lying around however!

Good luck!


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