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Apple Headquarters - The W1nners' Club

We’ve finally found out what UNEMPLOYED stands for!

All along we thought it was just some word that referred to someone that is without a paid job but available to work, but in reality it means: Ultra Naughty Employee Made Penny Less Over Young Eyecandy Dalliance.

Now that we have this cleared up, we need to assess how we’re going to get you out of the situation that has occurred above and get you back into work again.

Have you ever considered creating the most valuable company that has ever existed in the history of humanity?

You’ll get to hang out with software engineers and will hopefully make some pretty awesome digital hardware.

If redefining human behaviour by means of a heady mix of form and function sounds like it could be a blast, here’s what you’ll need to do to become successful:

1.    Build a computer from scratch


It doesn’t have to be a complete computer in the traditional sense, it just has to be a motherboard that includes a CPU, RAM and basic-textual video chips. Buyers of your 1st computers will need to provide their own keyboard, case and monitor and if you don’t know how to build one yourself, you could always get your mate on board that does – preferably someone that goes by the name of ‘Steve,’ or ‘Woz.’

2.    Set up a formal company


Now that you’ve managed to sell a few of your first run of basic computers, you’ll need to incorporate yourself into a proper company so that you’re well prepared to grow and develop. If you can, it might be an idea to get some additional investment so that you can start to make more computers and shift a considerable number of units over the next few years.

3.    Start challenging your rivals


Your next computer model should differ from your rivals’ by offering better technology in terms of graphics and should be a major advance on your first model. If possible, name it after a fruit and put the roman numerals II after it to demarcate this model from your first one. The way that your new computer stores data should also be innovative and you may want to consider moving on from using cassette tapes as storage devices and really put the cat among the pigeons by introducing the 5 ½ inch floppy disc to the market. Your aim should be to create a business market with your new computer and hopefully give home users an additional reason to purchase it by providing compatibility with the office.

4.    Convince the world’s largest photocopier manufacturer to let you wander around their factory for a few days


You might have to sell them a few shares first. However, access to lots of potentially world-changing new technology that is being developed in their research labs, will inadvertently inspire you to define the development of the personal computer going forward. Ideas such as the graphical interface and the mouse, each of which will become a mainstay of personal computing, will be inspired by such a trip.

5.    Go public


If you can, aim for a price of $22 a share and try to generate more capital than any IPO since the Ford Motor Company’s floatation in 1956. This period will of course be fraught with much internal discord in the company, as your product teams compete with each other to launch their respective new models to the market first. We suggest you give one of these products a girl’s name like ‘Lisa’ and the other should be named after a Scottish sounding fabric used in raincoats worn by train spotting enthusiasts.

6.    Create one of the greatest tv adverts of all time


When you launch your Scottish sounding computer model, you’ll need a kick-ass TV advert to promote it as well, so a film director of high repute like Ridley Scott should be approached to come up with something that will get everybody talking. You should also consider buying an ad slot at the Superbowl and base the idea for the advert on a George Orwell book – 1984 perhaps?

7.    Get fired from the company you created


Attempts by the board to limit your influence in the company should result in you getting fired for trying to oust the person whose job it is to reign you in.

8.    Get re-hired a few years later


Your great work in the wilderness should be rewarded by the company that sacked you as they purchase the new company you formed to bring you back into the fold. Over this period, you’ll team up with design talent that will play an important role in the company’s resurgence. We suggest you keep a keen eye out for anybody that has the surname Ive and is also a dab hand at photoshop!

9.    Build an all-in-one computer with a novel design


We suggest you keep the ‘Mac’ part of your Scottish sounding fabric fixation and stick the letter ‘I’ in front for its name. You might also want to produce it in various bright colours and make it look a bit like a transparent portable television set.

10.   Create a digital audio player


It needs to be handheld and capable of storing up to 1000 songs digitally. Of course, you’ll also need to create an online store so that people can buy music to download to your new digital audio player, so consider a name that includes what is becoming a bit of a habit in using the letter ‘I’ at the beginning of your product names and then using a word after it that is related to music – maybe songs or tracks – no, tunes. I-tunes! That’s it!

11.    Continue to create ground breaking products whose names start with the letter ‘I’


You might want to consider names such as: iMac, iBook, iPod Touch and maybe iSore or iPatch as well. Okay – maybe not iSore or iPatch…..

12.    Launch a revolutionary take on the mobile phone


Ideally, your revolutionary mobile phone will need a user interface that is built around the device’s multi-touch screen, including a virtual keyboard. It should also connect to Wi-Fi and cellular networks. You should be able to shoot video, take photos, play music, send and receive email, browse the web, send and receive text messages, follow GPS navigation, record notes, perform mathematical calculations and receive visual voicemail with your new product as well. Other functionality such as video games, reference works, and social networking enabled by downloading mobile apps should be considered as well.

13.     Launch a larger version of your mobile phone


It will need to be a large-screened, tablet-like multi-media device that runs on the same touch-based operating system as your mobile phone and should also be compatible with many of the apps that are available with the phone as well. We suggest you give it a name like iPad.

14.      Become the most valuable company the world has ever known


Your unrivalled ability to marry culture and technology will see you continue to break the mould by creating products that continually push the boundaries of what can be achieved in consumer technology. The acquisition of smaller innovative companies will see you continue to raise the bar as your core principles of innovation and ergonomic design drive you ever forward. The only thing you have to do now is get out there and do it.

Steve Jobs did, so why can’t you?

Good luck!


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