crown jewels - The W1nners' Club


Becoming unemployed can be a troubling time for those that have been consistently employed for a long period beforehand. Those that tend to be in their pyjamas at 1pm most days of the week for a period of 6 months or more however, seem to be well-adjusted towards not having to set an alarm clock every evening.

Whatever progress you’ve made down the timeline of unemployment, at some point you may want to consider going back to work.

Have you ever considered becoming King or Queen of the UK?

You may have to move out of your 3 bedroom semi-detached house with pebble dash exterior and move into a more fitting residence for a monarch, but the upside is that you’ll have a famous cruise liner named after you.

If having tea with the Prime Minister once a week and being married to Prince Philip sounds like it could be a blast, here’s what you’ll need to do in order to become the constitutional Monarch:

If you’re a woman

1.    Marry the future King


Charles, Prince of Wales is the current heir to the throne. At the moment he appears to be happily married to his current wife Camilla, but It has been known for his previous wives to meet an untimely end. It may therefore serve your purpose to become acquainted with him in the event of him becoming less than enthused by his current romantic situation.

2.    Marry the future King’s son


William, Duke of Cambridge is next in line to the throne after Prince Charles and as Charles himself isn’t getting any younger, it may prove more prudent to focus your attentions on his eldest offspring. William himself however, also appears to be happily married but you should take solace in the fact that his wife Kate is a commoner just like the rest of us. If you can somehow, ‘sort out,’ the Kate problem and get into William’s good books, there may be an opportunity there for you by taking this line of approach.

3.    Marry Prince George


If you are reading this and you happen to be 5 years old or less, (which you really shouldn’t be as we sometimes use the occasional rude word) then you may want to consider Prince George as a potential future husband. The benefit of this approach is that you have a good 15 years to work on things by ingratiating yourself with the British Aristocracy before George goes off to university. From that point on it’s over to you!

If you’re a man

1.    Start your own country


Becoming constitutional monarch of the UK is much harder for men than it is for women. Firstly, there are already 3 male heirs who are in line for the throne so things would have to get pretty bloody before another woman became next in line in a timescale that would render it feasible for you to become King. Even in this scenario, marrying the newly crowned Queen would be pointless as her husband wouldn’t automatically become King. Queen Elizabeth’s husband for example has the official title of Duke of Edinburgh. You may therefore want to consider starting up your own country and crowning yourself King, but first you’ll need to find an uninhabited island that no sovereign state lays claim to and you’ll also need to draw up a constitution.

2.    Invade the UK


Another way for you to become King would be by staging an invasion of the UK and installing yourself as the country’s monarch. It must be noted however, that this has been attempted a few times before in recent history with dire results for the people that tried it. Also, no one has successfully conquered the UK in over 1000 years and these days there are considerations like NATO to consider. However, with Donald Trump currently in power in the United States, you may find that the international rule of law starts to crumble very quickly and both the US and Russia may be willing to lend you their support if you promise to turn Scotland into a giant golf course upon being crowned.

3.    Undergo gender realignment surgery


This would put you in a position where you could follow all the steps discussed in the, ‘if you are a woman,’ section. Whatever you may think about Kate, she certainly knows how to get what she wants!

Good luck!


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