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investment banker - The W1nners' club

You need a heart of gold to succeed as an investment banker


So – you’ve seen the movie Wall St. and wholeheartedly agree with the following: ‘greed is good,’ ‘Lunch is for wimps,’ ‘Never do cocaine straight after breakfast,’ etc.

If you like the idea of spending more on a bar bill than most people spend on their first home and if your favourite movie scene is the bit in The Wolf of Wall St. where Leonardo Di Caprio straps wads of cash onto members of his wife’s family’s body parts – then it’s probably the right time for you to step up the earnings ladder and get a job in investment banking. You’ll need to have a love for spreadsheets rather than bed sheets, but with focus, hard work and dedication – a job in the city might be just the ticket for you. Here’s what you’ll need to succeed:

Knowledge about financial consumer demographics

We don’t know what in god’s name that means either, but before you start knocking on the doors of Wall St. financial firms asking for an interview, you’ll need to find out.

A good handle on investment risk and security analysis

$£#*……….??!!?$%& is what that means to everyone here at The W1nners’ Club offices, but if you know what the above term is actually referring to, you might be in with a shot.

Awareness of the new banking business model

In the old days before the 2008 financial collapse, bankers did what the hell they wanted and made squillions in the process. These days however, they have to box a bit smarter as a result of new regulatory guidelines and Jeremy Corbyn. Basically, banks can no longer expect the government to bail them out if they go bust (except – they can!).

Experience of statistics, quantitative analysis and information modelling


The right qualifications

You’ll need a finance or business degree – possibly an MBA. Therefore, the GCSE grade, ‘C,’ in maths you somehow managed to achieve against all logic and probability at school won’t be sufficient.

A good work ethic

Expect to work extremely long hours – 80 hours a week in some instances (still want to be an investment banker?).

A keen eye for industry research

As an aspiring investment bank analyst, you’ll need to develop industry specific knowledge and specialise in that particular vertical eg. healthcare, finance, manufacturing etc. Your job will be to construct a business case for or against investment in a particular company or industry (never mind all that – we’re still buzzing at being able to use the word, ‘vertical,’ in this article).

Construct a financial valuation model

This involves tracking financial trends and revenue cycles – a world away from the cycles you used to ride into work in your last job before you were invited to leave the company.

A sound working knowledge of Powerpoint

Your life as an investment bank analyst will involve managing a never-ending merry-go-round of status reports, research writing, the editing of reports, Powerpoint presentations and the like. Expect to have deadlines that include, ‘yesterday,’ in the schedule.

Speak multiple languages

If you do end up going for an interview with a Wall St. investment firm, you’ll have the edge on your competition if you’re fluent in multiple languages. The preferred lingo for prospective analysts is German, Spanish and Chinese, so time to dig out those old dusty copies of Einfach Klasse – German for beginners that you didn’t give back to the school after doing your GCSE’s.

(Full disclosure: Most people in The W1nners’ Club offices returned all their old school books at the end of year 11 – although a couple of staff members never actually went to school past year 8).

Good Luck!


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