Not having a job can be a depressing period in your life so it’s important to maintain a positive outlook on the future.
Despite the failure of your last means of gainful employment, there are many other options open to you if you’re prepared to consider them.
One of the career choices you may want to contemplate is that of an international drug kingpin. The rewards are considerable and you’ll get to do lots of exciting things like bribing judges as part of your day to day routine.
If transporting truckloads of illegal narcotics across national borders sounds like a good career move for you, then becoming a Narco might be just the change you were looking for.
Here’s what you’ll need to do in order to become successful:
1. Get some dodgy mates and learn the basics
If you’re going to have any future whatsoever as a major figure within the world of international drug trafficking, you’ll need to get lots of training in as soon as possible. We suggest you start off selling stolen lottery scratch cards and alcohol requisitioned from hijacked delivery trucks. As you start to get a bit more confident in the world of villainy, you can then upgrade your activities to vehicle theft – with a view to doing the odd kidnapping to order from time to time.
2. Choose the right drugs to deal in
Different drugs obviously have different profit margins to be made, but before choosing the drug you wish to trade in, you’ll need to consider the risks involved. Being caught with a pocketful of cough sweets stolen from your local chemist may carry a different sentence to being caught with several tonnes of heroin on the Afghanistan border. Choose wisely because this is your future career we’re talking about.
3. Spend some time in jail
It’s no good attempting to build a fearsome reputation in the criminal underworld in you haven’t spent at least a bit of time in the clink. The last thing you want is to be in the middle of a huge drug deal when one of your henchmen cracks a joke about prison food and you have absolutely no idea what they’re going on about. If that happens you’ll have to laugh along with them and will soon get found out as a criminal novice. Prison is the university of crime and you’ll be a far more effective international villain if you’re clued up on the finer points of criminal culture.
4. Organise your distribution network
The success of your drug trafficking operation will depend on your ability to arrange an effective distribution infrastructure without coming under the watchful eye of the authorities. If cocaine is your narc of choice, you’ll need to find a supplier of raw materials, a remote laboratory to refine your stash and finally; you’ll need an old aircraft to transport the product to its required destination.
5. Be sure to meet demand
As you well know in business, the greatest sin you can ever commit is not meeting customer demand. As your drug business gains prominence, you’ll need to ensure your operation is structured well enough to supply the marketplace. We therefore suggest you acquire storage facilities eg. a refrigerated warehouse to store your produce in before it is packed and shipped off to market. A small, private island in the Bahamas far from the watchful eye of the DEA would also be a good addition to your operational assets.
6. Get involved in politics
Now that the cash is rolling in faster than you can ever hope to spend it, you’ll need to consolidate your wealth with political power as well. We suggest you build hospitals for the sick and needy with all your ill-gotten gains and maybe bankroll a football team or two as well. This will give you the political base you’ll need to further your political aspirations.
7. Deal effectively with your enemies
Now that you’re an international drug kingpin, you’ll need to ensure that (a) no one takes your position at the top of the pile and (b) the authorities don’t decide to put you in jail (again). You’ll therefore need to manage the government and law enforcement agencies who will by now be more than a little interested in your affairs. Make sure you have enough cash squirrelled away to bribe government officials, judges and senior police officers. You may also find that the odd high profile assassination is necessary to let everybody know that you mean business. You’ll also require a ready supply of men and weapons to fight the inevitable wars you’ll have with key rivals.
8. Live like a king
At the height of his power, drug lord Pablo Escobar and his Medellin cartel were said to be earning more than $22 billion a year from the sale of cocaine. It’s anyone’s guess as to what you’ll do with so much money but all we ask is that you purchase the odd product from The W1nners’ Club online store now and again when you finally make it big.