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Citizen Smith - The W1nners' Club

Bad luck my friend. It would appear that lady luck hasn’t taken a shine to you lately and as a result, you are now unfortunately unemployed.

There will be difficult times ahead for you, not least because the £4 pints of Stella Artois lager that were so casually consumed at lunchtime when you had a job, now represent a good 10% of your total disposable income for the month.

You’ll need to adapt by either getting another job or retraining for a new career altogether.

Have you thought about conducting your own guerrilla war campaign?

Whilst the money isn’t great, if you do end up beating the professional armed forces of an established state, you might be able to write a book about your exploits that ends up getting made into a film.

If conducting ambushes and sabotage campaigns against a conventional army sounds like it might be your idea of a good giggle – here’s what you’ll need to do in order to become successful:

1.    Use the local terrain and weather conditions


If you’re embarking upon a campaign of guerrilla warfare, the chances are you’ll probably have good knowledge of the local terrain. Your aim will be to use this knowledge and the mobility of your small army against the relatively cumbersome nature of your more conventional opponent. The terrain can therefore effectively be used as a force multiplier by your smaller force and an inhibitor against your larger enemy – a bit like Macaulay Culkin’s character in Home Alone when he managed to use his superior knowledge of his parents’ home to devastating effect.

2.    Exploit the lack of competence in the larger armed force


What you have to remember when you gather your rag tag army of insurgents together is that a larger, conventional army will have weaknesses that are usually compensated for by size and resources. You’ll need to identify them and use them to your advantage. Think along the lines of the 1st Death Star in Star Wars a New Hope and the little ventilation shaft that was used to blow up the entire structure. If Luke Skywalker can do it – so can you.

3.    Initiate attacks that allow for a fast and untraceable retreat


It’s no good trying to fight fire with fire if you’ve only got a candle. As a guerrilla army commander you’ll need to develop the guile and cunning of a sewer rat so that your enemy is never really sure how or when you’ll ever strike. Equally importantly – where you have retreated after your assault has been carried out will be something you really don’t want the enemy to find out. We therefore suggest you don’t simply pop round to a mate’s house to regale them with your heroic tales of insurrection after a successful operation as this could compromise security somewhat.

4.    Win the popular support of the people


Remember, you don’t have Jet fighters or assault helicopters at your disposal so the support of the local population becomes invaluable if you’re going to be able to even think about waging a guerrilla war campaign. You’ll need to move in and amongst the civilian population freely and also receive shelter and food from a sympathetic populace. It’s these moments that might serve you well if you allow the people that once owed you money to repay you in kind with a favour eg. storing weapons on your behalf.

5.    Provoke the enemy into taking actions


Generate random noises, shots, explosions and screams in illogical places constantly. You need to create a continuing atmosphere of doubt and tension that forces additional decisions to be made by the enemy. Regardless of how important these decisions are individually, they may create opportunities that can be exploited in the future. It’s a bit like the way insurance salesmen use the threat of impending disaster to panic you into buying a policy you really don’t need.

6.    Be as innovative as possible


You don’t have the benefit of a large defence budget so you’ll need to be more catapults and slingshots than cruise missiles and aircraft carriers in your approach. A constant drive for ingenuity will ensure that your lack of resources becomes a strength rather than a weakness. If you don’t believe us, ask yourself when was the last time the A-Team failed to escape from their captors even though they were imprisoned in a hermetically sealed room with no doors and no windows, that just happened to contain a bulldozer that had a full tank of petrol and the keys left in the ignition?

7.    Convince a regional or international power to lend a helping hand


Everybody needs a leg up now and again and guerrilla armies are no different. The friendly support of a powerful government can do wonders for your campaign. It may therefore be a good idea to hang around the embassy of a rogue nation state in the hope that you get invited inside to pitch your case for free weapons and military hardware.

8.    Keep morale boosted


There’s nothing worse than trying to wage a guerrilla war knowing that you won’t get back home in time to watch Match of the Day. Morale is key to the success of your mutiny so you’ll need to find ways to keep your troops motivated. Apart from ongoing political education that reinforces the reasons why you waged war in the first place, a few Alan Partridge DVDs and a copy of Penthouse magazine should help keep your fellow freedom fighters finely tuned for forest-based fisticuffs.


Good Luck!


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