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dictator - The W1nners' Club

Unemployment throws up many challenges so you need to carefully consider what your next move will be if you’ve been unfortunate enough to get the boot from your old job. Along with suffering the humiliation of having to drink cans of Frosty Jack’s cider instead of your usual pints of Stella every day, it’s also unlikely anyone else will give you a job anytime soon because, well – you’ve been sacked. Your primary mission therefore, is to create financial stability for yourself via alternative means.

We suggest you seize control of your country of residence and place yourself in the position of supreme leader by becoming a fascist dictator. The nation’s wealth will now belong to you and your bank will stop charging you £5 a day for having an unauthorised over draft – lest they and their families all get sent to the salt mines………

Here’s what you’ll need to do to make this scenario a reality:

Drum up some support

Before you undertake a military coup, you’ll need the support of a significant proportion of the population and the political elite. You might therefore have to go on a reality TV show first to raise your public profile.

Establish a network of highly placed co-conspirators

You basically need some cohorts that all trust each other and share the same goals as you. You’ll also have to make sure everybody keeps your conspiracy to themselves so that you avoid capture by state security services.

Gain covert control over elite military units

You’re going to need the army on side before you seize power. It’s no good marching down Whitehall with a couple of BB guns unless you have support from the military. It would also be a massive help if the police and security services are also ready to follow your orders.

Get some overseas support

If your coup is successful, you’ll need to ensure foreign world powers don’t attack you, so it might be an idea to make friends with other world leaders before you seize control of the land. Better still, if you can get funding and weapons, this would also aid your cause.

Identify political opponents and neutralise them

We suggest dawn raids and mass arrests of anyone you think will be a threat to your new regime.

Control the media

Ideally this should be done before the coup takes place. The last thing you want is to go to all that effort and find out that, ‘Freddie Starr ate my Hamster!’ is the main story of the week on all the front pages.

Identify the areas where your power could be compromised

Do you have a family member that supports Leeds United? Did you insert your genitals into the mouth of a dead pig at university? Is your personal bodyguard as trustworthy as Kim Kardashian’s? You’ll need to sustain the ongoing support of the population so it’s important that you identify any potential scandals that may loosen your grip on power or your coup will be over before the first detainee, ‘slips in the shower,’ during interrogation.

Manage overall perceptions

Ideally, you’ll need to shut down all social media accounts. The last thing you want is everybody tweeting about how the mass starvation brought on by foreign sanctions is all your fault.

Get a Swiss bank account

You never know if you’ll need to make a swift exit from the country………look what happened to the person in charge before you!


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