So, you’ve just been asked to clear out your desk and are currently being escorted from the premises by one of the company’s security staff. Tears well up in your eyes as you contemplate having to cancel your Netflix subscription. There’ll be no more spending ridiculous amounts of money in app stores and every time you go out now you’ll have to take the night bus home. Now that you are unemployed, money will indeed be a problem unless you do something drastic to remedy the situation.
Have you ever thought of becoming a bank robber?
You won’t have to ask your old boss for a reference and you’ll only have to turn up for work a couple of times a year.
If placing women’s tights over your head for reasons other than sexual gratification is your thing, becoming a bank robber might be just the career move you’ve been looking for.
Here’s what you’ll need to do to become successful:
1. Do lots of research
You’ll need to do plenty of homework before you go on your first heist. One of the key things to do is read lots of news stories about other robberies that weren’t successful. If you can find out why others got caught, you will then be able to factor those mistakes into some of your forward planning.
2. Keep schtum
The first rule of undertaking a successful bank robbery is to make sure no one else knows what you do for a living. The vast majority of people that get caught do so because they didn’t work alone. You should therefore not let a single soul on earth know how you pay the bills (not even your wife/hubby, best mate or even the pet hamster).
3. Avoid any rough stuff
The last thing you want to do is encourage the innocuous looking bank clerk that turns out to be a have-a-go hero. Try to be as nice as you possibly can to the bank’s employees whilst maintaining a sufficient threat level to get them to hand over some much needed cash.
4. Expect the unexpected
Even the most experienced of bank robbers knows that in the heat of the action, things may not go to plan. A customer wandering in to cash a cheque whilst you’re in the middle of a hold up could be just the sort of unforeseen event that could lead to catastrophe. The main thing to remember is to stay calm if anything unusual happens as your future freedom may depend on it.
5. Avoid focusing on any morality issues you may have
One of the things you’ll have to get used to now that you’re a professional bank robber, is the fact that you’re no longer a straight and law abiding member of society. Whereas before you did a 9-5, now you’ll be looking at doing at least a 5-9 stretch minimum if you manage to get caught. It’s best therefore if you develop a skewed set of morals to justify your new position in life. Something along the lines of, “I’d never rob from the poor or old people,” usually helps.
6. Keep your cool
It’s no good trying to rob a bank if you’re more nervous than the people that are actually getting robbed. A good bank robber needs to be calm and non-grandiose in his or her actions to increase their chance of success. The best thing to do is wait patiently in the queue until it’s your turn to get served, then hand the bank clerk written instructions telling them to hand over all of their £50 notes.
7. Don’t overdo it
Most banks are fully aware that somebody will try to rob them at some point so as a result, staff are trained not to be too combative when someone with a banana poking through their jacket pocket demands a sack full of £50 notes. You’ll be a far bigger target for law enforcement if you start trying to empty the vaults of all the bank’s gold bullion and expensive jewellery. A healthy £5k-£10k per robbery should be enough to keep the wolves from the door – any more than that and you may find a real gun becomes necessary.
8. Be prepared to do some jail time
You may be unlucky and find yourself getting caught for your one person crimewave and as a result, you will have to spend an amount of time in prison. Prisons can be very lonely and depressing places so you should have a think about what you’ll do to ensure it doesn’t pass too slowly.
9. Invest your profits wisely
You’ll need to, ‘wash,’ the profits from your ill-gotten gains to (a) avoid getting caught and (b) keep them away from the hands of the authorities if you do. As your robbery career develops, it’s important that you don’t go around splashing the cash on flashy goods like cars and jewellery, otherwise people will soon realise that you’re up to something. It’s far better to purchase a small business that moves relatively large amounts of money around in cash so that you can legitimise your bank heist earnings. An example of such an enterprise would be a bookies or perhaps a mini cab firm – after all, when was the last time you had a taxi driver that wasn’t at least a little bit dodgy?