10 reasons why being in prison is much better than working in an office

10 reasons why being in prison is much better than working in an office

  It’s been four years since you first arrived here and the days just don’t seem to be getting any shorter. Time is still your arch enemy and as each day passes a recurring thought runs through your mind. “When will I get out of here?” True – things aren’t as bad as when you…

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“You’re nicked!” 9 ridiculous workplace theft allegations

“You’re nicked!” 9 ridiculous workplace theft allegations

    1.    Stealing from the Water Cooler     I’m on a diet that requires me to drink a metric shit ton of water so I carry around a 1L Nalgine bottle at all times. I’m a mid-level manager at a 60 person company. At the end of the work day on my way…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Stripping all your clothes off to use the toilet

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Stripping all your clothes off to use the toilet

  Dear Darcus, One of my employees does that weird naked sh*tting thing. He’s some sort of freaky naturalist and believes that clothes somehow inhibit the pooping process so he takes them all off whenever he uses the toilet. Is this appropriate behaviour for someone that works in an office of 700 people?   Dear…

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How to pass your office drug test

How to pass your office drug test

  Workplace drug testing has proliferated in recent years. The companies that tend to force staff to take them usually have a health and safety reason that relates to the goods and services they supply – for example, it’s no good having a gas man that’s high on LSD coming round trying to fix your…

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How to handle a hostage situation if a disgruntled ex-employee hijacks your office

How to handle a hostage situation if a disgruntled ex-employee hijacks your office

  Letting a staff member go is never a happy moment in any manager’s career (depending on who it is being let go of course). Whether it’s a result of redundancies or dismissal – taking away a person’s ability to feed and shelter themselves and their family is not a decision that can ever be…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Office Stalker

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Office Stalker

  Dear Darcus, I’m afraid I may have an office stalker. A member of my team constantly buys me cups of tea from the canteen and even buys me a card every Christmas and birthday. Should I be flattered by such unwarranted attention, or a little bit spooked by it all?   Dear Reader, Adulation…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Farting in the office

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Farting in the office

  Dear Darcus, Somebody in the office repeatedly breaks wind, the stench of which has the equivalent effect of nerve gas on other members of staff in the vicinity. This is obviously a major disruption to productivity. How do I find out who the flatulent offender is?   Dear Reader, Room refragrancing courtesy of an…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Asleep in the office

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Asleep in the office

  Dear Darcus, One of my sales team have returned from a client lunch as drunk as a monkey and they have subsequently fallen asleep at their desk. My staff member is lying face down on their keyboard and snoring loudly, what is the best way to wake them up?   Dear Reader, There are…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Sex in the Office

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Sex in the Office

Dear Darcus, Two members of staff were caught engaging in sexual intercourse in the toilets by the night cleaner at 4am. What action should be taken in light of this now being the office comedy story of the year?   Dear reader, As you well know, a successful modern company has enough challenges to face…

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W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Smelly Feet in the office

W1nners’ Club Problem Page – Smelly Feet in the office

    Dear Darcus, One of my team has smelly feet and often removes his shoes under the desk at work. This would be fine if his feet didn’t smell like rotting animal carcasses. Should this person be forced to stay permanently laced up for the sake of office morale?   Dear Reader, We understand…

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