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Darcus White - The W1nners' Club

He knows fuck all about management


Dear Darcus,
I have a real issue about employing ugly people at my office. I know that people should be judged on their ability to do the job, but how is someone able to do the job if I’ve already fired them during their first week for not making my coffee in the right way (because they’re ugly). Do you think i’m being silly, or is there real substance in the idea that people who offend the vision of others are bad for morale in the workplace?


Dear Reader,

I admire you for thinking about the well-being of staff to the extent that you do because most managers will simply hire anyone regardless of how they look and expect everyone else to feel happy about working with them. As you say, staff morale is of the utmost importance when building team cohesion and anybody that upsets the balance in the office can quickly become a corrosive presence. Here at The W1nners’ Club we use a very simple procedure to ascertain whether somebody is too ugly to work with us or not. One of our sales team has just had a baby so the baby has been employed to conduct staff interviews. We hold the baby close up to the face of the prospective job candidate and if the youngster starts crying, we know that they are too ugly to work here. Maybe you should employ such tactics at your workplace? If you don’t have a spare baby you can always use a cat. Bear in mind however that cats don’t like anyone!

Hope this helps.


Send your corporate katzenjammers in to If we can help you in any way it’ll be by staying as far away from you as possible – trust us, we’ve tried helping people before. You just don’t need the additional stress!



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