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Darcus White - The W1nners' Club

He knows fuck all about management


Dear Darcus,
I’ve just moved down to London and keep seeing people in the square mile that get on the train at the same station as me in West Norwood. I keep trying to say hello to them and even waved across the street once but keeping getting ignored. What am I doing wrong?


Dear Reader,

Welcome to the big smoke. The first thing you’ll learn about living in London for the first time is that people don’t actually exist. Yes – there’s may be 9 million of them, but they’re not actually real. What I mean is, no one in London is actually aware that other people exist. You can be walking along Oxford street on a Saturday afternoon and not one person will make eye contact with you. You can be stood with someone’s stinky armpit in your face on a rush hour tube train and still – no one says a word unless there’s a pocket of space on the train and someone hasn’t moved into it because they’d rather stand near a hand rail – in which case the words, ‘Can you move down please!’ can sometimes be heard. My advice to you is that you should abandon regional protocols and start behaving like you always did before you moved down to the capital. Yell ‘Eh Up!’ at people in the street regardless of whether you’ve seen them before or not and stroke people’s hands as they pass you on the escalator on the underground. Whilst it’s highly likely that you’ll get beaten up, you’ll feel like you never moved down south because let’s face it – you’re much more likely to get headbutted on a night out up north anyway!

Hope this helps

Darcus White


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