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Darcus White - The W1nners' Club

He knows fuck all about management


Dear Darcus,

I’m not sure if anything or anyone in my office is actually real. I’m a big fan of The Matrix movies and after watching every film in the trilogy a good 30 times each, I’m starting to wonder if the films might actually be real. For example, someone asked me to help them do the ‘sum’ function on Microsoft Office Excel and despite having no prior knowledge of how to do anything except change the colour of a cell, I managed to work out how to do a calculation using a spreadsheet within a matter of minutes by simply watching a YouTube instruction video. Do you think it could be possible that this information was simply uploaded into my memory using The Matrix?


Dear Reader,

I too sometimes wonder if existence is as real as we are led to believe. I once didn’t pay my council tax for a whole year and contrary to what you get told usually, I haven’t been sent to prison yet. I therefore take the view that reality is subjective because despite receiving lots of final demand notices and hiding in a special compartment i’ve constructed in a false wall at my flat for when the bailiffs come round, I still haven’t received a court summons yet. I would like to spend money researching this concept a bit more, but unfortunately £800 per month gets automatically deducted from my salary from someone called ‘Attachment of Earnings Order’ so I can’t really afford it at the moment.

Hope this helps.

Feel free to send us your workplace woes to – just be prepared to accept that 2+2 might not equal 4 but may in fact return a figure of 25439.9944863 because we don’t know what we’re doing!


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