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Darcus White - The W1nners' Club

He knows fuck all about management


Dear Darcus,

I really wish my staff would hate me and bully me a bit. I am the founder of a tech unicorn that has recently been floated on the stock exchange and because I gave shares in the company to everyone that works here – my entire staff think I’m amazing. They always invite me round to their houses for dinner parties and never tell me lies or are in any way deceitful. Whilst I know that this would make me the envy of most company CEOs – politicians notwithstanding, I just wish there was a bit more tension in my office because all the love and friendship is nauseating. What should I do?


Dear Reader,

I wish I could spend a day in your shoes. It would seem that your job is the polar opposite of mine here at The W1nners’ Club. For a start – we are not a tech unicorn, in fact if one were to extend the equine metaphor further, we’re not even a f*cking tech rocking horse! We’re a tech version of the horses that get sent to the knackers yard to have their bones and hooves turned into glue. As a result of this, all my staff resent me because in their minds they could be doing something else with their lives if they hadn’t answered the job adverts we regularly place due to the amount of employee turnover we suffer here. Sometimes when I walk through the office I hear my staff members hissing at me as I walk past their desks, only to find that someone has put the kettle on – that’s how paranoid I am about the level of support I can expect from my team. My advice would be to send me over all your personal information like bank account details, address, passwords etc. and then change your name by deed poll to Darcus White. You’ll soon find that your staff no longer hang on your every word because i’ll be the new CEO of your company having assumed your identity and I will order staff not to let you into the building or they’ll have their remaining shares taken off them.

Hope this helps.

Feel free to email us at – hopefully our out of date mainframe servers will spare you the pain of receiving a reply!


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