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Darcus White - The W1nners' Club

He knows fuck all about management


Dear Darcus,

Ever since I started taking piano lessons, I seem to be developing a crush on Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Everytime I listen to the amazing music he composed, I can’t help but picture that little powdered wig of his bobbing up and down at a piano as he bangs out his latest concerto – to be quite honest with you it gives me the horn. Despite the fact that he died over two hundred years ago, I can’t help but wonder if he would feel the same way about me if we met. I keep having arguments with my colleagues at work about it because they say i’m crazy for being infatuated with a dead celebrity, but I can’t help thinking that my grade two recorder exam that I passed at primary school might go some way to making him feel the same way about me.


Dear Reader,

There’s absolutely nothing wrong in having a crush on dead celebrities. I often imagine myself enjoying a post-coital cigarette with a young Diana Dors. Even though she died in 1984, a part of me still thinks that it’s only really time that separates us and were it not for the not being alive part, her and I would have made a nice couple if we were both alive in the same decade. I do think that you should perhaps not get too offended when people tease you for being in love with a famous dead person as the last thing your would-be lover would want is for you to be upset because of your relationship. I know that Diana for sure would want me to be happy rather than spending all day defending our trans-temporal necromance to pig-headed colleagues. It’s important that you put the relationship first if it’s going to work after all.

Hope this helps.


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