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Darcus White - The W1nners' Club

He knows fuck all about management


Dear Darcus,
As you well know the economy has been struggling of late and what with Brexit and the ever tumbling value of the pound, running a business can be a bit like painting the Forth Bridge these days in terms of achieving your targets. As a result, I have started to recruit illegal immigrants as they are hard working, never ask for annual leave during busy periods (mainly because they’re not entitled to any) and they don’t cost us a penny in national insurance contributions. Is this a strategy I should suggest we roll out across all company branches at our next annual meeting?


Dear Reader,

In less buoyant times, businesses need managers like you that are able to seek out opportunities where others only see problems. Here at The W1nners’ Club, we too take a similar approach to staff recruitment. Our current roster includes one unpaid intern, an out of work actor that works with us on a, ‘freelance,’ (wink! wink!) basis and a person the local council pays us money to, ’employ,’ to attach stamps onto outgoing mail envelopes. The illegal immigrant route is a great way to improve your company’s bottom line but you may find that you’ll get a more ready supply of new starters if you’re able to traffic prospective candidates directly from their country of origin. Perhaps you should invest in an articulated lorry with hidden compartments large to fit an averaged sized man in as border checks can be a tad tricky these days.

Hope this helps.

Darcus White


If you really don’t know what you’re doing on a daily basis, by all means drop us a line at and we’ll try our best to placate your demands. If however you do – then why are you even reading this?


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