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Darcus White - The W1nners' Club

He knows fuck all about management


Dear Darcus,
One of the employees on my team has started offering to buy me tea every morning and as a result I am convinced that they may be a corporate spy that is either working for a competitor, or they could be working undercover for the security services and informing on me. I am reluctant to accept a coffee from them when they go to the canteen every morning in case it is laced with polonium and yesterday the team member in question sent a text whilst they were sat on the loo – I know this because I followed them into the toilets and hid in the cubicle next door. Do you think i’m being a bit paranoid?


Dear reader,

You are right to be concerned. The world is full of dark forces, the likes of which most people know very little about and it is therefore your duty to ensure that you protect yourself and your company from enemy agents of this kind. The best thing I can suggest is that you check all their emails for anything suspect in the inbox like the purchase of air tickets to Russia or the Middle East and maybe follow them home a couple of times a week to ascertain their extra-curricular movements. Lastly, cover your entire computer in tin foil to make sure they aren’t able to wirelessly hack into your system and when the time comes to do their appraisal, ask your employee very politely who their handler is and if they have the addresses for any weapons dumps or safe houses in the area. Remember, security is key when dealing with the enemy. Hope this helps.

Hope this helps.

Darcus White


Please send you management problems in to If we reply you – you’re in deep shit!


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