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Darcus White - The W1nners' Club

He knows fuck all about management


Dear Darcus,

I have noticed that recently I have had lots of extremely dark fantasies about hitting members of my team. Whenever an employee comes to ask me a question the first thoguht that pops into my mind is how much I’d like to punch the individual in question on the nose no matter who it is. Is this in any way normal for the managing director of a blue chip company?


Dear Reader,

It is not unusual that you may be overcome by the most all consuming urge to kick the shit out of one of your staff members from time-to-time. Unfortunately for you however, you are not the manager of a 19th century cotton plantation. If you were, you’d be allowed to strap any member of staff that you choose to a stake in the ground and commit degrading acts of violence upon them at your pleasure. Alas, the year is 2017 so employment legislation has moved on a bit since then. The best way to get around your problem is to find a way of committing violence upon staff that looks as if it could quite easily have been an accident. Try, ‘accidentally,’ stamping on their foot as you walk past them in the office for example. Another way is to hold a leather bound conference folder and whack them on the head from behind but act as if you were innocently turning round when they regain consciousness. A particular favourite of mine is to hold the door open for them before slamming it shut at the precise moment they place their fingers on the frame and say, ‘thank you.’

Hope this helps.

Darcus White


Please send your management problems to A problem shared is a problem doubled after all!


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