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Darcus White - The W1nners' Club

He knows fuck all about management


Dear Darcus,

My colleagues at work think I’m tight fisted. They may have a point in that I refuse to buy umbrellas to protect me from the rain and instead I use a 5p carrier bag to protect my head from the bad weather (it’s the same carrier bag I use for shopping B.T.W.) and I also refuse to buy new shoes but will instead take several old pairs to the shoe mender and ask him to do a cut and shut of all the bits that aren’t yet damaged – but how else am i supposed to make sure my current account never falls below a balance of £250,000?


Dear Reader,

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being tight fisted. Here at The W1nnes’ Club, when we advertise the salary and benefits for vacancies we have available, we simply place a laughter emoji on the job board as this usually roots out the people that genuinely want to work with us, or those that are simply doing it for the lack of money they’ll be paid. Our christmas party this year will involve our publisher bringing in a hip flask of whisky purchased from Lidl that will be passed around the office whilst we hum christmas carols and enjoy a handful (between us) of out of date peanuts that were purchased from Woolworths (yes – the same Woolworths that closed down in December 2008). If any of your staff complain about your attitude to money, ask them if they’ll work for free for a month and when they refuse, stand on your chair and yell at the top of your voice, “NOW WHO’S ONLY INTERESTED IN MONEY YOU F*CKING MERCENARY?” You’ll  find that this will keep your employees quiet in terms of discussing your spending habits for a good few days afterwards.

Hope this helps.

Please let us know if we can help you with any of your management problems at It must be noted however, that advising you not to email us is the best help we can give you.


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