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Darcus White - The W1nners' Club

He knows fuck all about management


Dear Darcus,
I’ve just been promoted to the position of Trading director in my company and unfortunately, the day after I was told that I had been promoted, the police came into the office and arrested me for the non-payment of a parking fine. I assumed it was for a more serious offence so tried to escape out of the the fire exit but ended up getting tasered in front of the entire office. Do you think this unfortunate episode will harm my career? PS – My trial for resisting arrest starts next week but the parking fines have been paid off.


Dear Reader,

What an unfortunate situation for you. Usually when the police come to arrest you at work it’s a good idea to pretend that you don’t know what the hell they are here for and keep calm – that way they might not insist on handcuffing you. When you get outside you can then see if it’s possible for you to try and make a run for it (check that they don’t have any police dogs with them first). As for your career, the fact that the parking fine has now been paid off might help you regain a bit of respect in the eyes of your subordinates, but what will really give you the chutzpah required to micro-manage people effectively is the fact that you were tasered. Think about it. If anybody ever tries to go home early claiming they are sick, you can simply tell them that it’s no worse than having 2000 volts of electricity inside you and if they don’t believe you simply offer to put their fingers into one of the nearby plug sockets. After all, being a good manager is all about leading by example.

Hope this helps.

Feel free to contact us with your workplace wonderments at Just be aware that it’s highly likely we’ll probably need help from you more than you need help from us.


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