Here at The W1nners’ Club we strive to gather data about office life so that you, our readers can start to make sense of what most of you will be doing with your lives for the next few decades. Part of our extensive research involves trying to figure out the best way to categorise people so that the inevitable arguments with colleagues and falling out with superiors can be avoided over the course of your career.
One of the main insights we have uncovered is that office workers aren’t a mish-mash of different personality types that are all thrown together in one big melting pot of office-based heterogeneity – but there are in fact only two types of office worker that exist, so the question is: which one are you?
1. Grab from the front or grab at the back?
No one can be both. You’ll find that when you replace the loo roll in the toilets at work, you will only ever put the rolls on in one of the ways shown above, no one ever changes between the two. This is assuming there is spare loo roll available in your office toilet when you run out of course!
2. Spread it to the edge or pile it in the middle?
If you take a packed lunch into work every day, lift up one of the bread slices of your sandwich and you’ll be able to tell whether you’re a spreader or a piler. One represents order and the other is pure chaos – no one can be both.
3. Bluetooth earpiece or phone loudspeaker?
When you’re busy doing something with your hands at work and you receive a phone call from your partner, you’re either the sort of person that likes to prepare for such eventualities by buying a Bluetooth earpiece, or you’ll take a more pragmatic approach by using your mobile phone’s loud speaker. Either way, you’ll still be incredibly annoying to anybody that is unfortunate enough to be within close proximity of you.
4. Hand held or selfie stick?
A selfie is a selfie, is a selfie, is a selfie, whichever method you use – right? Wrong! To the modern office-based Instagrammer, taking a selfie of you and your colleagues at the pub after work requires the same preparation as a grandmaster preparing for a still life session. You either allow the natural movement of the hand to dictate the visual aesthetic of a shot or you rely on the discipline of the selfie stick – never it must be said, will you ever do both.
5. In bloom or out of Baby Bio?
If you’re the sort of person that likes to keep plants at their desk, the plants in question can only ever exist in one of two states. You will either have a blooming example of healthy flora that looks like it just one first prize at The Chelsea Flower Show, or you will have a dying specimen of anti-life that should really have died weeks ago given the fact the last time it was watered was back in the Garden of Eden.
6. Car park or pah! car?
There must be something that happened as humans were evolving that made us split into two distinct species. Some people would rather die than park their car in a space outside the office in a way that isn’t perfectly aligned with the other vehicles nearby whereas as some, well – take a look for yourself!
7. The 24 hour clock or not?
It’s unclear why some people insist on using the 24 hour clock and others don’t because the time is still the time no matter which format you use. It could be down to preference or it might just be because some people didn’t pay attention at nursery school and never got the hang of telling the time. Whichever way is your way, you’ll never do it the other way that’s for sure. Just make sure you always arrange meetings with people that use the same format as you and you should be okay.
8. To pop out or cut out a pill when you’re ill?
You will never know what it feels like to do the opposite, regardless of your medical condition. Even if you have a serious accident at work which results in you lying in a coma at the hospital, when the nurse comes around to administer your meds, you’ll momentarily regain consciousness and ask them to cut or pop the blister pack depending on your orientation, before instantly slipping back into a coma again. It’s something to do with reflexes we think.
9. Gift wrap or give crap?
Some people are blessed with the ability to wrap their presents in such a way that opening the package will only ever be a disappointment. If you are such a person then you are extremely lucky. The others unfortunately have to make do with a more ‘makeshift’ approach to wrapping up Secret Santa gifts and leaving presents.
10. Analogue or digital?
There’s no point taking the time to think about it because you are literally one or the other. It’s a bit like being a man or a woman in that regardless of what other people may or may not think – you are one or the other. The similarity ends there however, because unlike the majority of women, most people that prefer analogue these days tend to nearly always have hipster beards!
11. Are you a wally when it comes to your brolly?
No self- respecting office worker should be seen without an umbrella when it’s raining, the question is what to do with it when the weather changes? Some will simply lower it and keep it by their desk to dry out whilst others will pack it away and wrap it up in its entirety so that it resembles a Geisha girl’s ankles. Neither way is right and neither is wrong unless you’re observing what the ‘other side’ does.
12. Write or wrong?
Some people are able to take down notes in a meeting in uniform straight lines with minimal effort or linear assistance required. Others however, look as if they’ve been trying to write a real life account of an earthquake whilst it was actually taking place. Whatever your way is, you’d better learn to love it because it won’t change anytime soon.
13. Are you in the upper crust?
The consumption of pizza can only ever be done in one of two ways. Whether you’re lunching with clients or munching in the office, you’ll either leave your crusts or you’ll consume them as readily as the ham and pineapple (that’s a separate debate in itself – we know!). The point is, no matter how curly you would like your hair to be, you’ll only eat crusts if it’s what you already do.
14. Earbuds or headphones?
If you like to listen to music on the daily commute in to work everyday, you’ll find that the average rush hour train contains people who either wear earbuds or headphones. This itself is not that remarkable until you take into account the fact that the earphone wearers will never be spotted in a pair of headphones and vice versa – we wonder if musicians might have to start releasing separate earbud and headphone recordings one day?
(Picture Source: Imgur)