Everybody has, ‘that guy,’ in their office. You know the type. They always go the extra mile to make it known to everyone else how eccentric or just plain annoying they can be between the hours of 9:00am and 5:30pm.
‘That guy,’ status has been a part of office culture ever since the first cavemen started organising their dwellings into a hierarchical structure that included an IT department and somebody that’s responsible for conducting the fire drill.
‘That guy,’ can be anyone that spends the majority of their day doing whatever the hell it is they do with absolutely no regard for anyone else in the vicinity.
‘That Guy,’ can be old, young, junior, senior, male or female – the point is, ‘that guy,’ is everywhere and here are some of the worst ‘that guys’ we’ve come across recently:
- The, ‘thinks they’re everyone’s boss even though they have the SAME work title as everybody else,’ that guy
It’s hard to tell why somebody would believe they have an inherent superiority over someone else in the office that is the same rank as them, but such an individual should count their lucky stars that they’re not in the army. In the military you can get court martialled for pulling rank, so it’s shame modern offices aren’t allowed to use firing squads to maintain discipline as well.
- The, ‘replies all to company-wide emails saying things like “This is great news” or other trite comments,’ that guy
Replying to all on a company-wide email is a bit like withdrawing all your savings from your bank account and spending it on a 2nd hand Reliant Robin – just because you can it doesn’t mean you should. Whilst it’s clearly a passive/aggressive way to demand attention from absolutely everyone in the company, it also serves as a cynical attempt at personal branding to the powers that be. People that do this sort of thing habitually should be made aware that everyone else thinks they’re a complete moron at the first opportunity.
- The, ‘always makes a motion as if she’s killing herself eg. fake slits her own throat, fake shoots herself in the head, fake swallows a bottle of pills and fake puts a noose around her neck simply because you asked, “How are you this morning Carol?”’ that guy
Some people in the office wouldn’t be able to cope if they didn’t have a good drama to get themselves into a tailspin about would they? It’s as if their very existence is validated by their inability to cope in a crisis. What’s really going on in such a person is that they’re attempting to demonstrate their value to the company by amplifying the difficulty of the tasks they perform every day. They’re effectively saying, “look at everything I do that goes unnoticed around here, aren’t I wonderful?”
- The, ‘has the nickname, “bigfoot” since there are few reported sightings of her on a day-to-day basis, but everyone knows she has a spy in the office who in turn is the type of person that will do laps around the room to report back to bigfoot what everyone else is up to and is therefore affectionately known as “the drone,”’ that guy
Most offices are bit like living in North Korea. You are expected to proudly announce your undying loyalty to the company whilst secretly watching your back to ensure you don’t get reported to the authorities for expressing even the slightest signs of non-committal. Just remember that the walls have ears – even at the pub after work!
- The, ‘been working here for less than a month but is already demanding all of the newest equipment for his glass-walled office,’ that guy
Resources get overstretched at even the most buoyant of times, but there’s nothing worse than somebody that has absolutely no concept of this. The only reason why there are spare keyboards or power leads ever available is because most people give up asking for them after a certain point. Ironically, the reason why people give up asking is because there’s always a new starter that inevitably ends up nabbing what few tit bits are left because they haven’t been around the place long enough to have the hope sapped from them yet.
- The, ‘likes to sit at her computer and laugh just loudly enough so that you have to ask “What’s so funny?” and won’t stop laughing until someone acknowledges her,’ that guy
The United Nations has a special treaty that all its members have to sign that is supposed to protect people from torture and other cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment – unless you work in an office. The suffering a co-worker has to endure when somebody has a laugh that sounds like Kenneth Williams engaging in raucous, drunken banter with a flock of wild geese is unlike anything you will ever experience. If only the CIA would recruit this person as an interrogation tool – then you might actually be able to get some work done.
- The, ‘steals your lunch from the fridge guy,’ that guy
If such an individual was homeless and destitute, you could maybe reconcile this with their thieving behaviour but they’re usually not. In fact, it’s fair to say that most people who do this sort of thing are some of the best paid people in the department. It’s as if their constant pay rises have given them a sense of entitlement that means your Beef Bourguignon leftovers are fair game come the stroke of lunchtime. Maybe some people just earn too much money to feed themselves?
- The, ‘everybody’s going for a team lunch but one person says, “just give me 5 minutes whilst I go to the toilet” and everyone has to wait for 15 minutes with their jackets on,’ that guy
Everybody knows that you never, ever poo at work in your own time. It’s so enshrined in convention that it could quite easily qualify as the 11th commandment if God were the sort of manager that constantly sends out memos. This person would clearly rather get paid for working than pooing, which in our opinion is complete madness!
- The, ‘guy who creates extra tasks to make himself appear necessary,’ that guy
Who the hell needs more work than they actually get paid to do? It’s not enough that this sort of individual is so scared of getting fired that they do their work properly – thus raising the expectations for everybody else’s output. They also have to circulate the office badgering everyone to see if they can help out with their workload. If that’s not a cynical attempt at self-promotion then we really don’t know what is.
- The, ‘guy who warms up fish that smells like it went bad a month ago and eats it at his desk,’ that guy
Just – don’t! Please!!