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Office Safari - The W1nners' Club

 

There has been a backlash of late in offices up and down the length and breadth of the land. As social posting and the sharing of memes gets restricted to the hours when all the proper work should really be getting done, this leaves a large gaping hole at lunchtime that has to be filled with some form of in-office entertainment.

If spending your overdraft at the pub during lunchtime is frowned upon at your workplace, you’ll need to find an alternative way to relieve the stress of a hectic morning.

The office safari is the latest phenomenon to sweep the nation’s offices as bored workers take to creating hybrid beasts of nature using pictures of animals on their computer monitor screens. They then take selfies with their faces popping out over the top and around the side. It’s the next best thing to taxidermy, but here are some of the favourites we’ve been enjoying here recently at W1nners’ Club H.Q.

How many of these bizarre new mutant species would have made it onto Noah’s Ark we wonder?

1. Hippopotamus

 

Office Safari - The W1nners' Club

The common hippopotamus, or hippo, is a large, mostly herbivorous mammal in sub-Saharan Africa, and one of only two existing species in the family Hippopotamidae.

  • Position: General Manager.
  • Job Type: Permanent.
  • Salary: £60,000 pa + benefits which also includes a good old roll around in Mangrove swamps upon the attainment of key performance indicators.

2.    Goldfish

 

Office Safari - The W1nners' Club

The goldfish is a freshwater fish and was one of the earliest fish species to be domesticated. It’s also one of the most commonly kept aquarium fish.

  • Position: Credit Controller.
  • Job type: Part Time.
  • Salary: £14.07ph minimum with additional increases dependent upon memory span.

    3. Orangutan

 

Office Safari - The W1nners' Club

Orangutans are native to Indonesia and Malaysia, but are currently only found in the rainforests of Borneo and Sumatra.  Since 1996, they have been divided into two species: the Bornean orangutan and the Sumatran orangutan.

  • Position: IT Assistant.
  • Job Type: Part Time.
  • Salary: £250 – £500 per week OTE upon which extra shoots, bark, insects, honey and bird eggs will be dispensed accordingly.

4.    Meerkat

 

Office Safari - The W1nners' Club

Meerkats live in all parts of the Kalahari Desert in Botswana, in much of the Namib Desert in Namibia and southwestern Angola, and in South Africa. A meerkat clan often contains about 20 meerkats, but some super-families have 50 or more members. In captivity, meerkats have an average life span of 12–14 years, and about half this in the wild.

  • Position: Sales Manager.
  • Job Type: Full time.
  • Salary: £30k – £35k pa depending on the number of insurance policies sold.

5.    Donkey

 

Office Safari - The W1nners' Club

The donkey or ass is a domesticated member of the horse family, Equidae. The donkey has been used as a working animal for at least 5000 years.

  • Position: Administration Assistant.
  • Job Type: Temporary (although once you’re known for being an ass in the office it’s very hard to shake off such a reputation).
  • Salary: £28,000 pa + a guaranteed place at the local Donkey Sanctuary upon retirement.

6.    Afghan Hound

 

Office Safari - The W1nners' Club

The Afghan Hound is a hound that is distinguished by its thick, fine, silky coat and its tail with a ring curl at the end. The breed was selectively bred for its unique features in the cold mountains of Afghanistan.

  • Position: Sales Director.
  • Job Type: Full Time.
  • Salary: £65,000 pa + hairdressing allowance.

7.    Dachshund

 

Office Safari - The W1nners' Club

The dachshund is a short-legged, long-bodied, hound-type dog breed. The standard size dachshund was developed to scent, chase, and flush out badgers and other burrow-dwelling animals, while the miniature dachshund was bred to hunt smaller prey such as rabbits.

  • Position: Payroll Manager.
  • Job Type: Full time.
  • Salary: £30-£35k pro rata with one day a week off for chasing small animals, birds, and tennis balls.

8.    Duck-Billed Platypus

 

Office Safari - The W1nners' Club

The platypus, sometimes referred to as the duck-billed platypus, is a semiaquatic egg-laying mammal endemic to eastern Australia, including Tasmania.

  • Position: Senior Office Administrator.
  • Job Type: Permanent.
  • Salary: £32000 pa with annual leave scheduled in across its June to October mating season.

9.    Penguin

 

Office Safari - The W1nners' Club

Penguins are aquatic, flightless birds. They live almost exclusively in the Southern Hemisphere, with only one species, the Galapagos penguin, found north of the equator.

  • Position: Customer Service Agent.
  • Job Type: Part Time.
  • Salary: £26,000 pa + subsidised travel to and from Antarctica.

10.    Tiger

 

Office Safari - The W1nners' Club

The tiger (Panthera tigris) is the largest cat species, most recognisable for their pattern of dark vertical stripes on reddish-orange fur with a lighter underside.

  • Position: Human Resources manager.
  • Job Type: Permanent.
  • Salary: £35000 with the possibility of flexi-time due to its nocturnal predatory nature.

(Picture source: Imgur)

 

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