caveman - The W1nners' Club

 

Dress down Fridays can be a sticking point in many workplaces depending on the point of view the management takes in relation to staff happiness. Whilst some companies enthusiastically embrace the idea and allow workers to dress in casual, smart attire during the working week, others consider dress down Fridays to be something that was invented by people that worship inanimate objects and think the world is flat.

Whilst this is generally considered a ridiculous point of view by most modern management gurus, there’s a growing faction in the world of employee engagement that believes the naysayers could be onto something.

We have managed to get hold of a top secret government research paper that predicts how in theory, the average office could revert back to the Stone Age as a result of dress down Fridays.

We suggest you memorise it well and then dispose of it safely by either burning it, or feeding it to the boss’s dog the next time it spends the day at your workplace.

Dress down Fridays have the potential to precipitate the downfall of civilization as we know it – you have been warned……

1.    The F*ck this Sh*t stage

 

It only takes one person to start the chain reaction and it doesn’t have to be anybody that is particularly senior or especially charismatic, but the f*ck this sh*t stage can be sparked off by anyone. This is the reason why it’s so dangerous to allow employees to go for drinks at lunchtime if everyone is dressed in casual attire at the end of the week. Whether it’s brought on by the feeling of springy trainer soles underfoot, or the sight of a football shirt worn by a colleague, the f*ck this sh*t stage is the point where downtrodden employees begin to remember all the Karl Marx they read in sixth form (which usually isn’t very much).

stone age office - The W1nners' Club

2.    The Wanton Destruction stage

 

Once the office doors have been secured so that senior management are not able to enter when they return from their ‘client meeting’ on the golf course, a strange sense of freedom will inevitably start to take hold. With no recognisable form of authority present and little chance of having their wages docked for inciting a mini-riot, the wanton destruction stage will tend to bear witness to staff damaging property in a violent display of rebellion against the company.

stone age office - The W1nners' Club

3.    The Renewed Sense of Freedom stage

 

The inability of company directors to regain control despite issuing threats such as having to do the tea run for an entire week – will inevitably result in the authorities being alerted. The continual sound of staff wrecking the place (eg. printers being thrown out of windows several stories up) may also create a stand-off with the law enforcement officials that will now be on the scene. On top of that, the realisation that the office won’t be open on Monday because the cleaners will need more time to clear up the damage will cause staff to erupt in a burst of euphoria before settling down into a trance like state of well-being.

stone age office - The W1nners' Club

4.    The Sins of the Flesh stage

 

The hot Essex girl that works in accounts? The ex-rugby player that didn’t quite make it because of an injury he suffered in the Saracens under-21s team? All will now be available and willing in the Sins of the Flesh stage. As office workers abandon modernity and slowly return to a more basic form of existence, their behaviour will also take on the characteristics of people that don’t have mortgages to pay or a PTA meeting to attend next week.

stone age office - The W1nners' Club

5.    The Hunter / Gatherer stage

 

Even though only a few hours have passed since Bryan in payroll first decided enough is enough and he isn’t going to take this shit anymore simply because he doesn’t have a tie on; most of the employees in attendance will be completely unrecognisable from the people that clocked in earlier in the morning. The lack of access to the canteen will render them dependent on foraging for their food – most of which will be grown using arcane agrarian techniques that were prevalent around the same time early humans first worked out how to harvest plants from the urinals in the men’s toilets on the fifth floor. If anybody regularly brings pets in to work, expect them to be eaten first when hunger sets in (the pets we mean – we think?).

stone age office - The W1nners' Club

6.    The Stone Age Bliss stage

 

By now, language will be reduced to mere grunts and the odd indication that one is hungry will be expressed by beating someone over the head with a loose log procured from a fallen tree. Courtship will involve dragging one’s charge around by their hair – thus rendering the Sexual Equality Act completely null and void. The office will now be in the Stone Age and the most modern thing in proximity will be sound of helicopters whirring overhead and the CEO of the company telling everyone they’re all fired through a megaphone in the car park far below….

stone age office - The W1nners' Club

(Picture source: Imgur)

 

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