Here at The W1nners’ Club, our in-house employee psychologist (an elderly East European cleaner that comes in on Tuesdays and Thursdays,) has been busy working on a new theory developed during cigarette breaks round the back of the office by the wheelie bins.
Our expert is convinced that it is possible to tell how long a person will remain working in a particular job by the state of their desk area.
If the individual in question has an immaculately kept desk that is devoid of any stray staples and coffee mug stains, then that person is as good as out of the door. If however, their desk resembles a mountain road after a landslide, you can expect to be working with the individual in question for a long time to come in the future.
We have developed a sliding scale which can be used to measure the amount of landfill that is strewn about on top of a colleague’s desk. This will help you decide whether to start saving up for their retirement carriage clock that will be due in 20 years, or reserve a seating area at the pub for their leaving drinks tomorrow night:
The above desk is owned by an employee that is currently at leaving condition (Leavcon) 5. They have probably been with the company for years and will moan about leaving every week. The point about people at Leavcon 5 is that they subconsciously take themselves to another place by creating so much chaos and disorder at their desk that it becomes completely unrecognisable from the workstation they sat at when they first joined the company. You should never give somebody at Leavcon 5 a pay rise just because they say they are leaving because they are not – ever!
Time until their notice gets handed in: N/A
Main Leavcon indicator: An inability to find the desk because of all the crap sat on top of it!
As with all units of measurement – everything is relative. 10 cm is only 10 cm because there are 9 other centimetres that exist before the last one and desk tidiness is no different. Leavcon 4 indicates a level of discontent might be setting in. Don’t get us wrong, an employee at this stage is going nowhere else fast, but the fact that you can actually see the surface of their desk underneath all the officey bits that sit on top of it is testament to the fact that they have flirted with the idea once or twice. The presence of six telephones, a laptop AND a separate monitor however, would suggest that hell may indeed freeze over before this individual even comes close to attending an interview at any point.
Time until their notice gets handed in: Somewhere between now and infinity.
Main Leavcon indicator: Ability to see the surface of the desk – just about!
The walls have ears – or indeed pictures. The placing of photos on the wall that are not necessarily related to an employee’s everyday job would suggest that something is afoot. The person in question may have already started to update their CV and is almost definitely trying to work out what they do everyday at work so that they have something to talk about in the event of being called for an interview. This is Leavcon 3 and it only takes an argument with a colleague before Leavcon 2 quickly sets in.
Time until their notice gets handed in: 1 – 6 months.
Main Leavcon indicator: Pictures on the walls.
A relatively tidy desk bar the odd Styrofoam coffee cup? You’re probably in the presence of a Leavcon 2. People at this stage will have sent their CV out and may even have attended a first, sometimes second interview. Departure is more than likely imminent because they’ve started to bring a Rubik cube into work everyday. Seriously – who brings a Rubik cube into work unless they’re on the outs?
Time until their notice gets handed in: A matter of hours if they haven’t already.
Main Leavcon indicator: Playing with a Rubik cube all day instead of doing any work.
The most conspicuous element of Leavcon 1 behaviour is the permanently immaculate state a person’s desk remains in at all times. No matter how busy the office is, you will never see the desk of a Leavcon 1 contain so much as a suggestion that coffee has been spilt on it at any time in history. The main reason for this is that they no longer work at the company. Leavcon 1 status means you’ve collected your leaving presents, had your leaving drinks and are pretty close to passing your probation period with a new company. If everybody in the office was at Leavcon 1 there’d be no need to hire cleaning staff – unfortunately however, very little work would get done as a result.
Time until their notice gets handed in: – 1 month minimum.
Main Leavcon indicator: They’ve left!
(Picture Source: Imgur)