They say the devil is in the detail and some people are so committed to their jobs that they can’t help but do things by the book – even if the book contains absolutely no mention of the rules they are trying to enforce.
Whether it’s a tube station guard that would happily chase a fare dodger down a dark tunnel with an oncoming train racing towards them, or a bar steward that refuses to serve drinks a second after closing time – rules and regulations are there to give such folk a sense of purpose in life.
We have assembled a list of some of the most jaw-droppingly jobsworth regulatory signs that must have been erected by people that not only constantly do things by the book, but probably wrote the bloody thing as well.
1. Public Swimming Bath Jobsworth
Everybody knows that safety is of the utmost importance when you visit the swimming pool, but instructing people not to voluntarily drown themselves may be taking things a bit far. Nevertheless, the public swimming bath jobsworth was put on this earth to ensure that you don’t confuse inhaling a lungful of air with holding your breath underwater. Where or earth would we be without them?
2. Workplace Entrance Jobsworth
There’s nothing quite like a closed door to inspire you to carry on regardless of the injuries you may suffer. We can only deduce that this sign must have been intended for ghosts or other such entities that possess the ability to travel through solid material as if it were thin air. Thank god for the workplace entrance jobsworth and all they have to offer. The next time you decide to walk into a closed door, you’ll now know what a ridiculous idea it is.
3. Elevator Jobsworth
Presumably this has been a recurring problem in whichever office this sign is displayed in? Of all the accidents that can happen in the modern workplace, the absent lift must be one of the more surreal occurrences to take place. Most people with an overbearing interest in co-worker welfare would simply place a sign that says ‘do not use the lift’ if there’s any chance whatsoever that it might not be there when the doors open, but the elevator jobsworth has gone the extra mile by stating the bleeding obvious. Non-existent lift walker-inners, you have been warned!
4. The Anti-Drugs Jobsworth
Drugs are for losers, everybody knows that – but it would appear some people are not aware that drugs are not for bisons. The thought of a one tonne bovine animal wandering around with the munchies being paranoid is certainly not what you would expect to see on a day trip to the zoo. The Anti-Drugs Jobsworth has backed a noble cause – we’re just not sure enough people are sat waiting in the wings hoping to share their personal narcotics stash with a bison to warrant a sign being made.
5. The Plant Biologist Jobsworth
The jobsworth who erected this sign more than likely also has one warning of the presence of bear excrement in woods. To say that trees don’t move is a bit like saying The Pope is Catholic or that wheels are round. All are factually correct in terms of their content, but the sort of person that isn’t aware trees don’t move is probably not the sort of person that possesses the literacy skills to read a sign.
6. The Used Condom Jobsworth
Don’t you just hate it when that happens? There you are happily shopping for prophylactics at the supermarket. You get home to enjoy an evening of passion with your partner and suddenly realise you’ve accidentally purchased a tester – except condoms aren’t perfume and for obvious reasons you can’t try before you buy. The Used Condom Jobsworth is clearly trying to do their bit in the name of customer service, they just need to work a little bit on the common sense part of the job.
7. The Animal Welfare Jobsworth
Here at The W1nners’ Club we’ve heard of cow tipping which is a rural tradition that hails from northern England and involves pushing cows over at night as they sleep standing upright. Llama lamping? Now that’s a completely new one for us. The sort of person that engages in punching Llamas is, let’s face it – not the sort of individual that would follow even the most basic rules of social etiquette so in our opinion, erecting such a sign is a complete waste of time. Whoever approved of this sign would presumably also approve of one that says, ‘do not ride the penguins,’ or ‘do not engage the armadillos in political debate,’ as those are also common problems that occur when humans interact with animals.
8. The Misbehaving Oreos Jobsworth
Everybody knows that Oreos are okay on their own, but when you get more than a couple of them together in one place, let alone a full packet – they start to misbehave. The problem with misbehaving Oreos is that they ultimately spoil things for those Oreos that go to the library with the full intention of using the facilities properly. The Misbehaving Oreos Jobsworth has taken it upon themselves to decry the recent spate of Oreo misdemeanours and ‘if only they would behave more like digestives,’ is no doubt their recurring thought.
9. The Drinking Water Jobsworth
……because reclaimed water is the only thing wrong with drinking from a urinal. One has to ultimately be thankful for the Drinking Water Jobsworth because if they weren’t there to let us know that the water contained in toilets is reclaimed, we’d all be taking hip flasks along to our nearest public lavatory and stealing the stuff. The next time you get the urge to dip your head in the urinals of the men’s toilets, just remember this sign and then ask yourself if you still fancy a mouthful.
10. The Bags of Dog Faeces Jobsworth
What comes down must go up – everybody knows that and it especially applies to dog poo. Leaving your dog’s droppings on the ground is completely anti-social so what do you do? You throw it on the roof because that’s okay. The Bag of Dog Faeces Jobsworth knows this and is determined to put a stop to such nefarious behaviour – the only problem is that the sort of person that insists on throwing dog droppings onto the roof of a building probably isn’t the sort of person that takes a bag with them to clean up after their dog. Sorry Bag of Dog Faeces Jobsworth but your message may go unheeded.
(Picture Source: Imgur)