Zombies have expressed outrage at the Starbucks coffee chain for launching its Zombie Frappuccino drink at Halloween.
The undead community says that this amounts to nothing more than the crass commercialization of Zombie culture, and is about as politically correct as people turning up to cheer on Lewis Hamilton wearing imitation dreadlock wigs.
Long deceased Zombie and former Michael Jackson music video extra, Mrs. Eve L. Dead said, “eeeeeeeuuuururrrrrrruuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhghheeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuurrgh. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrgggghhuuurrr,” which loosely translated means: “The misappropriation of minority cultures for the soul sole purpose of lining the pockets of a multi-national coffee chain is nothing short of exploitation. At least when Elvis did it, his failed attempt at R&B music was actually quite good for other reasons but the Zombie Frappuccino doesn’t even come close to the taste of human flesh.”
The Zombie Frappuccino drink consists of Frappuccino Crème infused with flavours of tart apple and caramel, topped with pink whipped cream “brains” and red mocha drizzle, leading Zombies to claim that whilst there may be no conscious agenda or racist intent towards ghouls and monsters, the fact that no actual Zombies appear in any of the adverts merely contributes to the idea that the undead don’t have an important role to play in scaring the shit out of people.
A spokesperson for Starbucks issued a statement which stated that the company apologises unreservedly for releasing the Zombie Frappuccino at Halloween and acknowledges that this is a sacred time of year for people that have been bitten by someone that is infected with a highly contagious rage-inducing virus that causes them to develop an uncontrollable craving for the blood of living souls.
“eeeeeeuuuuuruurrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeueuuurrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhuuuuuuurrrrrrr. Eeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhurrrrrrrrrr,” Mrs. Dead added before attempting to bite the arm, legs and throat of our reporter.