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Yahoo - The W1nners' Club

Yahoo – said nobody that has an email account with them

 

Executives at Yahoo admit they are still reeling in shock at finding out they have 1 billion active users after a colossal hack threatened the private information of customers.

 

Despite being made to look like the tech giant equivalent of the kid in class from the broken home who smells of wee and has dirty, long fingernails by the likes of Google and Facebook in recent years, the company is now resolutely upbeat as a result of this latest discovery.

Yahoo’s Head of Email Mr. Michael Phish said, “This latest revelation has come as a complete shock to us. Here we were all down beaten and reminiscing about the days before Whats App and Gmail – one hack later and we find out we’ve got a billion users. It’s like Del finding the, ‘lesser,’ watch on that Only Fools and Horses episode where they finally become millionaires.”

It is thought the colossal hack is the biggest data breach in history and both Amazon and LinkedIn are said to be considering partnering up with a rogue state to arrange their own high profile customer information theft in response.

“The previous chart topper was Myspace with 427 million accounts compromised back in May of this year but let’s be honest, most millennials think Myspace is some kind of assisted living app for retired astronauts. Then there’s Talk Talk – everyone’s been talk-talking about them since their firewall got breached haven’t they? Our latest foul-up will put us right at the forefront of the tech world once again after many years in the wilderness,” Mr. Phish added.

It is unclear how much value the cynical announcement of 1 billion confirmed users will add to Yahoo’s share price, but commentators have argued the latest security breach couldn’t have come at a better time for the former tech titan as US Telecoms company Verizon prepares to purchase the company’s email service for $4.8 billion.

Both Google and Facebook have claimed foul play on the part of Yahoo and question the authenticity of this latest high profile hack, whilst executives from Friends Reunited were recently spotted boarding a plane for the North Korean capital Pyongyang carrying a long list of what looked like customer passwords and looking chipper than they ever have since 1995.

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