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airport search - The W1nners' Club

Worker Representatives – staff will have the opportunity to influence corporate decision making


The CBI announced yesterday that it would encourage the creation of worker representatives at board level, but only if staff agree to be strip searched before leaving board rooms.


There are fears in some organisations that by allowing lowly shop floor staff into board meetings to drink from the company’s posh china tea set, funny ideas might begin to proliferate amongst the workforce about wealth redistribution.

The CBI’s head of corporate governance Mr. Remi Neration said, “Whilst we think staff attending the odd board meeting would be good for morale, the last thing we want to do is encourage a situation where the cleaner starts lecturing the CEO about off-balance-sheet-finance or supply chain analytics. Not to mention the fact that the average boardroom paper weight is three weeks’ salary for someone on a zero hours contract. We therefore propose airport style strip searches for worker representatives to ensure the company’s crystal decanter doesn’t end up for sale on ebay.”

Despite announcing a green paper to address worker representation and executive pay, The Prime Minister has made a U-turn on the issue after it was made apparent to her that Larry, the Downing Street cat would have to be involved in meetings of the newly formed Brexit task force. Whilst this would be a first for any major world power, some argue it’s no worse than giving Boris Johnson a seat in the cabinet.

The CBI are set to issue guidelines as to how non-executive directors could do something worthwhile in return for their bloated salaries and perhaps be tasked with the role of performing cavity searches on those worker representatives that are deemed to be high risk ie. not the sort of people any self-respecting corporate entity would usually employ, let alone allow anywhere near the teak veneer French polished board room table and temp. agency staff.

“You’d be surprised what a determined employee director can fit inside the orifices of the human body these days. One minute they’re discussing what the effect of a significant increase in executive pay will do for morale at the coalface, next thing one of the ash trays has gone missing. If our members are going to go ahead with this thing, we need to ensure they are prepared for the inevitable,” said Mr. Neration.

Surgical gloves, x-ray scanners and sniffer dogs have already been issued to members at this year’s CBI conference, where Gatwick Airport staff will be doing a keynote speech on how to get someone from the perfume counter at Selfridges to, ‘squat and cough.’

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