Unilever admits that people who knew it wasn’t butter all along were in fact correct and margarine is nothing more than the butter equivalent of those fake Tag Heuer watches you can buy in holiday destinations like Magaluf.
The Anglo-Dutch consumer goods giant said that its margarine line is being considered for sale as a result of changing consumer tastes and the fact that everybody bar those fed through a drip are now aware that it most definitely isn’t butter.
Unilever’s Head of Spreadable Foods Mrs. Marge Erin said, “People first started to get suspicious when we launched a product that wasn’t butter and decided to call it, ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter.’ I don’t know who the genius behind that name was but you wouldn’t tell them any of your darkest secrets would you? They’d probably don a town crier’s hat and start yelling, ‘Oh yay! Oh yay!’ before telling anyone that will listen that they can’t believe you’re not having an affair with the local vicar. People these days aren’t easily fooled and as a result we may have to offload our margarine division sharpish!”
Unilever has attempted various cunning ways of fooling people into believing that margarine is not butter’s evil twin that has stubble, acts without morals or care for others and drinks a lot like the bad superman in Superman III – most notably by changing its name to, ‘I can’t believe it’s not not butter,’ (that’s not a typo by the way) in January of this year.
Last month Kraft Heinz dropped a £115bn ($143bn) offer to buy Unilever after the former said that it no longer saw the, “financial or strategic,” merit in splashing so much cash on something if you can’t be sure if it is in fact butter or not.
“A takeover would have been one of the biggest ever in corporate history, and the biggest ever acquisition of a UK-based company by a non-UK one so as you can imagine, having half the world walking around saying, ‘I can believe it probably isn’t butter these days,’ may prove more than a bit costly for us as a company,” Mrs. Erin added.