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Walnut Whip

Walnut Whip – will no longer try to shag your wife as you go off to conquer foreign lands….


Nestle has warned its customers that its newly launched nut free version of the Walnut Whip may start to grow breasts and speak in a high-pitched voice.


The company’s new ‘Eunuch Whip’ is said to be targeted at paranoid Chinese Emperors and rulers of the Byzantine and Ottoman Empires as a chocolate snack that can be trusted not to try to overthrow an Imperial dynasty or attempt to sleep with the wives and daughters of members of the royal court due to its absence of any genitalia.

Nestle’s Head of Confectionery Castration Mrs. Coco Bean said, “I was watching a TV programme the other day about castrating animals to prevent manifestations of sexual behaviour like defending the herd from humans, fighting between males and the reduction of other behaviours such as fence or enclosure destruction when attempting to get to nearby females and thought, wouldn’t it be great if we were able to do the same with our Walnut Whip? At the end of the day, nobody wants to eat a chocolate snack that’s too aggressive because it constantly has the horn do they?”

The value of walnuts has increased by 20% this year and Nestle has decided to sell the nuts from its castrated Walnut Whips for use in traditional herbal medicine as an aphrodisiac.

Walnut Whips that have had their nuts removed are said to increase significantly in weight after gelding, a fact that should please chocoholics that have recently had to endure shrinking Maltesers bags and Toblerones with bigger gaps as a result of the falling value of the pound due to Brexit.

“There’s already a plethora of different types of chocolate available in the average sweet shop so by removing the nuts on our Walnut Whip we should be able to deal with over population a bit better. There are also other health benefits such as the reduction of prostate problems in unaltered Walnut Whips when they get closer to their sell by date,” Mrs. Bean added.


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