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Walkie Talkie - The W1nners' Club

“That’s no moon, it’s The Walkie Talkie.” Obi-Wan Kenobi


London’s landmark Walkie Talkie skyscraper has been purchased by a Hong Kong firm and is said to be a much better investment than the Death Star according to property experts.


The £1.3billion price tag is the highest amount ever paid for a building in the UK and its new owners hope to strike fear across the galaxy using the skyscraper’s death ray that is included as part of the package.

Presenter of interstellar property auction TV show Battle Stations Under the Hammer, Judy Ligence said, “It’s true that the 1st Death Star was able to obliterate the planet of Alderaan with its Superlaser in a matter of seconds, but you should see what the Walkie Talkie building can do to a Jaguar that’s parked outside it on a hot summer’s day. Everybody knows that Jaguars are one of the sturdiest cars on the road so that’s something to bear in mind if you’re planning on ruling the Galaxy with an iron fist.”

The Death Star is rumoured to have cost The Empire about 1,000,000,000,000 galactic credits to construct and with the pound continuing to fall as a result of Brexit, The Walkie Talkie’s £1.3billion price tag offers much better value due to the exchange rate.

Blueprints stolen by Rebel fighters show that The Death Star requires a crew of 1.2 million including a contingent of 26,000 Imperial Stormtroopers whereas The Walkie Talkie can function adequately as long as there are enough building services staff on hand to make sure the toilets don’t run out of loo roll.

The Death Star’s tractor beam generators are said to be able to pull Imperial Class Star Destroyers into the Station’s main hangars against their will, although the freshly baked salted caramel muffins that are available in The Walkie Talkie’s canteen on Tuesday mornings are said to be equally irresistible – albeit for completely different reasons.

“At £1.3billion, The Walkie Talkie represents much better value than The Death Star. The restaurants and wine bars around London’s Fenchurch Street provide ample entertainment and even though The Death Star is much bigger with a 160km diameter, it’s location near the orbit of Geonosis is much less desirable,” Mrs. Ligence added.


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