Waitrose jam will be used to control inflation in the economy now that the food retailer’s empty jars are worth more than the ones that contain jam inside.
The Bank of England will initially begin spreading Bonne Maman Strawberry Conserve onto commercial properties in the London area to control the extortionate price rises that have occurred there lately.
The Treasury’s Head of Breakfast Fruit Preserves Mrs. Marmalade Atkins said, “At Waitrose you can buy an empty jam jar for £2 or an identical one that’s full of jam for £1.71. It’s therefore clear that Waitrose jam brings down the price of anything it comes into contact with. We’ve traditionally used interest rates to control the money supply in the economy but the latest revelation means all we have to do is identify the goods and services that are increasing in price beyond the headline rate of inflation and cover them with a few spoonfuls of Waitrose fig fruit preserve. They’ll be worth diddly squat in the time it takes to say, ‘do you want coffee or tea with your toast?’”
It is at present unclear what the active properties in Waitrose Jam are that cause the reduction in price of whatever it comes into contact with, but 20,000 jars have already been ordered by the governments of South Sudan, Venezuela and Zimbabwe to help deal with the chronic hyperinflation taking place in their respective economies.
Leading economists are yet to agree which flavours are most effective for managing the economy on a macro level, but it is rumoured Keynesian economists are partial to applying large vats of damson plum conserve over huge public works projects like roads, schools and hospitals, whilst monetarists tend to prefer adding small dabs of wild blueberry to key areas in the central banking system.
“It will require sound economic management on the part of the government to ensure we apply the right amount of jam to the right areas of the economy. The last thing you want is crude oil getting mixed with Bonne Maman berries and cherries conserve when the price per barrel is at its lowest in almost a generation,” Mrs. Atkins added.