A former Volkswagen executive sentenced to seven years in prison as a result of the diesel emissions scandal somehow manages to pass all the drug tests inside.
Oliver Schmidt is the second person to be imprisoned in the US over the diesel emissions scandal and fellow prisoners have complained that he often wanders around the cell block smoking a joint, but for some reason the drug tests always deliver a negative result whenever the prison authorities attempt to prove his guilt.
US Prison Department spokesperson Mrs. Dee Tension said, “I honestly don’t know how he does it. He can often be seen wandering around the landing with a strong smelling, funny looking cigarette and whenever we send the sniffer dogs in to search his cell they usually end up getting addicted to heroin. We can’t quite put our finger on it, but he must have found a way to somehow manipulate the test results to make them appear as though he has the untainted urine of a 5 year old child.”
Volkswagen first admitted in September 2015 that it had used illegal software to cheat US emissions tests and it is thought that Mr. Schmidt’s high level knowledge of such bureaucratic chicanery may be proving more than a little bit useful now that he has been incarcerated.
US prosecutors say that Volkswagen installed special software in certain diesel vehicles that allowed them to perform better during emissions tests than they would have under normal driving conditions and the US prison authorities are concerned that this technology may have been adapted by Mr. Schmidt to use on his urine samples in jail.
“Some of the urine samples Mr. Schmidt has given us are so drug free that they could potentially be used as a lethal injection solution for Keith Richards. In fact, his pee is so free of harmful toxins that you could probably bottle it up and sell it as a health tonic – which is exactly what VW customers thought about buying one of their diesel cars really isn’t it?” Mrs. Tension added.