Virgin Trains will place life jackets under the seats on their locomotives in a bid to take on airlines for a share of the lucrative London to Edinburgh route as passenger numbers hit one million for the first time ever.
Despite never actually taking off from the ground in any way, shape or form, the train operator is convinced it can challenge British Airways, Ryanair, Easyjet and Flybe who all offer flights between the English and Scottish capital cities.
Virgin Trains’ Head of Airworthiness Mr. E. M. Bankment said, “The airlines have been getting away with far too much for far too long. Even though our trains are slower, susceptible to delays as a result of leaves on the track and never actually leave the ground, we believe we can offer everything you’d expect to get from a flight between London and Edinburgh.”
Apart from oxygen masks dropping from the ceiling every time a train goes over a bump and forcing people to switch their mobile phones into, ‘airplane mode,’ during the journey, Virgin Trains are also rumoured to be considering introducing seat belts and banning the use of the toilet when a train is entering or leaving a station.
“Passport checks? We can do that. Forcing passengers to check in at least two hours before boarding a train? We can do that as well. We’re even considering recruiting lots of spiky-haired, effeminate looking blokes to try and sell duty free to passengers during the journey instead of the usual middle-aged, pot-bellied conductors that yell, ‘tickets please,’ as the train leaves every station,” Mr. Bankment added.
Virgin Trains now run 45 departures between London and Edinburgh every week bringing the service up to a rate of one every half hour and the train operator has issued a statement saying, “The improvements we’ve made have been popular with customers, who are voting with their feet,” – which is unfortunate, because everybody knows the best thing to do on a flight is get absolutely legless.