A tech company has announced it is the first business in the US to use microchips for employees, but has promised not to get staff neutered or spayed to make them less aggressive.
Three Square Market from Wisconsin is offering to microchip everyone that works in the company and will reward staff that comply with lots of praise, a treat, a good belly rub and five minutes of play with a squeaky chew rope.
Three Square Market’s Head of Anthropomorphisation Mrs. Kaye Nine said, “The chips will allow those who have them to pay for food and drink in the company’s break room, open doors, login to computers and use the copy machine. If microchipped staff ever go missing for a particular reason, our contact details will be easily found and we will be able to collect them straight away – even if their collar and ID tag have fallen off.”
Microchipping staff is a quick and simple procedure. The chip is inserted under the employee’s skin, usually around the scruff of the neck, using a needle and only takes a couple of seconds.
Without identification that says who a staff member belongs to, it’s very difficult to let employers know that their beloved colleague has been found. After seven days the employee can be passed on to a rehoming charity to be found a loving new boss, or they can be euthanised by the local authority.
New staff must be microchipped before they arrive at a new employer under the new law that came into effect on 6 April 2016. This will give the employer legal responsibility for their new staff member, meaning they can be held responsible if the worker falls foul of any law, including straying or causing injury through biting.
“The chips will be used to unlock phones, share business cards and store staff members’ medical and health information. If you tend to recruit your employees from a shelter and decide you want to give them a new name, you’ll have to make sure their details are updated on one of the authorised databases,” Mrs. Nine added.