A recovery in international trade is reviving demand for the Boeing 747 as a freight aircraft, but concerns have been raised by UPS customers about parking them in residential areas.
The aircraft that was once a mainstay of long haul travel but is now mainly dependent on hauling cargo to stay in production, is causing whoever thought it was a good idea to spend over $6 billion on 14 new units to have a hard think about how they’re going to deliver residential packages given the fact that the average UPS van usually causes ten car tailbacks on suburban, residential streets at the best of times.
UPS’s Head of Residential Deliveries Mrs. Carrie R. Certificate said, “I honestly don’t know what we were thinking spending all that money on a load of Boeing 747s. I mean if people don’t even use them to make transatlantic passenger crossings anymore, then what the f*ck does UPS need them for? Have you seen the mayhem that’s caused when a UPS van driver can’t find a parking space so as a result decides to park in the middle of the road to deliver your package? Imagine the exact same thing but factor in a 60 metre wingspan as well!”
United Parcel Service handed Boeing a lifeline order for 14 more 747-8 freighters, easing doubts over the jumbo’s future but causing traffic wardens to wake up in the middle of the night with pins and needles whilst breaking out into cold sweats and mysteriously losing their sex drive all of a sudden.
Although Boeing also offers a 467-seat passenger version of the modernized 747-8, critics have argued that you would need to gather together a whole plane load of people that wanted to go on holiday to the same destination as the package they were sending at the same time to make the availability of seats in any way economical.
“There’s no way a Boeing 747 will be of any use whatsoever for delivering personal packages. Most of our drivers already have a bit of a problem with upsetting people’s neighbours by pressing the wrong doorbell when they make a delivery; so you can imagine what trouble they’ll cause trying to land a jumbo jet in the average quaint village high street,” Mrs. Certificate added.