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university - The W1nners' Club

University – some of the best years of a Vice Chancellor’s life…


University Vice Chancellors have been defending their huge salaries this week by stating that they are necessary to ensure the wine cellar remains fully stocked in their grace and favour homes.


Whilst the majority of University Vice Chancellors admit that increases in student tuition fees put added pressure on young people who already face a future of career uncertainty, the rises are in keeping with the traditions of some of our oldest academic institutions which demand that the Vice Chancellor’s wine cellar remains fully stocked with some of the finest bottles of claret known to man.

University Vice Chancellor Professor Em Phil said, “Vice Chancellors at the Oxbridge universities have always traditionally had their wine cellars stuffed full of bottles of Chateau Lafite-Rothschild and Chateau Latour and naturally, tuition fees go a considerable way to help pay for this valuable historic tradition. The fact that I’m having to justify why my standard of living makes the Prime Minister look like she’s in need of a trip to the food bank is the result of nothing more than mendacious media meddlesomeness and tawdry political trespassing.”

University Vice Chancellors have been accused of hiding behind shadowy remuneration committees to decide their soaring pay awards, with one university’s remuneration committee consisting of only three members namely: The Vice Chancellor, the Vice Chancellor’s wife and their pet Iguana, “Wiggins.”

Some University Vice Chancellors have hit back stating that the duck moats in their grace and favour homes are of a completely inferior standard to those owned by premiership footballers, with one stating that he doesn’t even have a bell tower or motorized portcullis on his.

“This is all about democratically elected politicians challenging long established traditions and I wish they wouldn’t do it. The calibre of university education shouldn’t be dragged down by spurious correlations between tuition fees and salaries. You might not get a job after spending £9000 a year on your education, but you might get to serve the very wine that your fees have paid for at the annual Alumni’s dinner,” Prof. Phil added.


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