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Primark - The W1nners' Club

Primark – The Houses of Parliament will be turned into escalators for the company’s Stoke-on-Trent branch


Primark will continue to open new shops and bigger units until the whole of the United Kingdom effectively becomes one giant retail store.


The clothes shop does not consider itself to be at or even close to saturation point in the UK and Ireland even though its clothes can now be found on the racks of rival brands who have absolutely no idea they are stocking the company’s products.

Primark’s Head of Aggressive Expansion Mr. Mark Downs said, “Our first target for acquisition was Urban Outfitters who are selling our shirts for £45 even though they don’t have a clue that people can buy them at Primark for just under a fiver. Next, you’ll more than likely see our Hawaiian tropical print shirts being worn by vicars at funerals as we gradually encroach upon the church estate. After that, every person in the United Kingdom will be no more than six feet away from either a £1.50 pair of sunglasses or a Ramones t-shirt as we expand our floor space to include the majority of the public highways.”

Primark’s omnipotence is now so great that the company doesn’t need to do any online sales, mainly because it would be ridiculous to charge for shipping when the products being sold are already available on the racks present in most people’s living rooms which make up the aisles of the ever expanding retail monolith.

Whereas in the past most shopping centres would seek out a Next or an M&S to be the anchor tenant in a new retail complex, new retail complexes tend to be built inside Primark stores – such is the company’s total domination of all the space that is available everywhere.

“In the future, every time you get into your car to go food shopping you’ll be going to a Primark store – not to do the shopping necessarily, it’s because the car itself will more than likely be the doorway to our Manchester branch,” Mr. Downs added.


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