A United Airlines passenger undertook a one man dirty protest whilst aboard a flight from Chicago to Hong Kong in an attempt to obtain the same ‘special category’ status as passengers that had paid the full fare for their journey.
United Airlines flight 895 was diverted to Alaska after the passenger smeared faeces over the walls of two of the plane’s toilets whilst demanding to be given the same basic rights as passengers who had paid a higher price for their ticket such as not having the shit kicked out of them by over-enthusiastic security staff that were clearly bullied at school as they attempt to drag you off the plane.
United Airlines’ Head of Passenger Political Protests Mrs. Sybil Rights said, “I can confirm that a passenger has done the unthinkable and smeared excrement around the toilet facilities on flight 895. Whilst he has demanded to be given ‘special category’ status despite purchasing a discounted ticket from lastminute.com, it is company policy not to negotiate with the sort of people who don’t know the difference between going for a dump and doing a spot of painting and decorating over the bank holiday weekend.”
The passenger in question initially attempted to flush his shirt down one of the toilets after complaining of being forced to sit next to someone that insisted on chatting to him for the majority of the journey, and political analysts have criticised United Airlines for not using this moment in the crisis to negotiate a cease-fire by upgrading him to first class where no one ever attempts to strike up a conversation with anyone.
An FBI spokesperson has said that there are no initial indications the incident was terror-related, but commentators say the refusal of fellow passengers to eat food on board can be seen as the adoption of a hunger strike strategy undertaken as a result of the unbearable stench rather than a comment on the quality of United Airlines’ in-flight meals.
“Anybody that thinks smearing excreta over the walls of aeroplane toilets is a legitimate act of war rather than basic criminality deserves to be put on hold for twenty minutes the next time they call our customer service premium rate phone number. The fact that the passenger in question was prepared to soil the walls of a second toilet whilst negotiations continued indicates that we have some way to go before the prospect of a United Airline becomes a political reality,” Mrs. Rights added.