United Airlines will throw its business class passengers out of the plane’s exit doors soon after take-off in a bid to further consolidate its reputation for high level customer service.
The airline’s motto, ‘Fly the friendly skies,’ was put into practice this week when a man was pulled out of his seat by security staff and dragged, screaming down the aisle with blood on his face.
United Airlines Head of Customer Service Miss. Terri Shopper said, “Whilst our passengers can’t always be guaranteed a seat on one of our flights, they can rest safely in the knowledge that they won’t go home empty handed – in fact they probably won’t go home at all as they’ll have to spend a considerable amount of time in hospital first. Our new, ‘re-accommodation class,’ tickets guarantee that every passenger will receive a physical injury of some sort to remind them of the time they didn’t fly with us. Our staff have received specialist training from former members of the apartheid-era South African Police riot squad to ensure we meet the high standards our customers expect from us going forward.”
The new re-accommodation class tickets will see kneecappings and punishment beatings being meted out to passengers that board the plane with more than one piece of hand luggage, whilst the in-flight entertainment is rumoured to include watching the passengers that paid the least amount for their tickets being kneed in the goolies by a Sky Marshall armed with a taser.
Budget airline Ryanair has expressed dismay at United’s attitude towards customer care, publicly stating that passengers don’t want to be mollycoddled in such a touchy-feely manner – they just want to get to within 100 miles of where they’re going as cheaply as possible.
“Overbookings, disembowelments, amputations – we’re really leading the way when it comes to the comfort of our passengers. If we win the contract to run the new Air Force One we may even provide a gold-plated garrotte and a Sombrero so the President can fly in the opulence that befits a future impeached Head of State,” Miss Shopper added.