Ten of the 12 water companies in the UK have admitted that they still use the practice of witchcraft as a way to decipher how much to charge customers.
The disclosure has prompted calls for the water regulator to stop companies passing the cost of discredited pagan rituals on to their customers and should instead encourage them to use more modern business methods such as revenue forecasting and cost-based pricing structures.
Ofwat’s Head of Witch Trials Mrs. Divine Intervention said, “witchcraft is still widely used by UK water companies in the day-to-day running of their businesses. Only last week we had a complaint from one customer who told us that they were late paying a bill once and they came home one evening after work to find that their pet cat had been turned into a toadstool. Such business practices have no place in the running of a modern utility company and we will be investing in ways to try to route out those water company executives that still swear by the dark arts.”
The discovery that some firms were still using water diviners who claim that their divining rods cross over when the presence of water is detected below ground, has led to an outbreak of mass hysteria, the like of which has not been witnessed since the Salem Witch trials of 17th century colonial Massachusetts.
Some water companies however, insist that the practice of dowsing or water witching could be as effective as modern methods so long as you are able to gather the appropriate body parts for the ritual soul cleansing ceremony that according to the rules of black magic must be performed beforehand.
“Our witch trials should go a long way towards eradicating witchcraft in the water industry. One of the methods we will use is to throw a suspected witch into a river. If the person in question floats then we will know that they are in league with the devil and if they sink and drown the water company executive in question will be given a full pardon,” Mrs. Intervention added.