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4G Network - The W1nners' Club

4G Network – The ‘G,’ stands for, ‘Goodness me that’s f*cking slow.’


Britain’s 4G mobile phone network is now so slow that the post you are reading was written and shared yesterday.


Despite pressing, ‘publish,’ on our WordPress content management system at around 11 am yesterday morning, you are only able to read it now due to the insanely slow speed of the UK’s mobile internet connectivity.

In a major new report, the National Infrastructure Commission said the UK’s 4G mobile phone coverage is now worse than that of Albania, Panama, Peru and Romania, with people in the above countries being allegedly fearful to call UK mobiles in case they inadvertently end up travelling back in time.

The Commission’s Chairman Mrs. Meg A. Byte said, “Britain is currently 54th in the world for 4G mobile coverage which, to be quite honest with you came as a complete shock to us as we expected to be far lower down the league than that. To put things into perspective, there are countries that don’t even have any internet that are higher up the list than we are. Even Pompeii has better mobile connectivity than the UK and that place hasn’t existed since Mount Vesuvius erupted in 79 AD – several thousand years before 4G mobile connectivity was even invented.”

The situation is so bad in some rural areas that people have resorted to sending texts every time they get a signal to everyone in their address book in the vain hope that whatever message they write will have some relevance at some point in the future – this being far more efficient than hoping you have a signal every time you want to send somebody a message.

Countries like the US and Japan already have carrier pigeons that will deliver a message 5 times quicker than a text sent from a UK 4G mobile and it is rumoured a superior viewing experience can be had by watching You Tube via Albanian smoke signal.

The UK’s 5G network is expected to become available around the year 2020 which is roughly the same time the next page you read on this website will finish loading.

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