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Uber – key witness gave anything but a wooden performance


Uber is not a taxi company according to a witness at a recent European Court of Justice hearing whose nose began to grow upon taking the oath in the witness box.


The trial to ascertain whether ferrying passengers around in a motor vehicle in return for payment constitutes being a taxi firm, took a dramatic twist as the defence unveiled their star witness.

Uber’s Head of Legal Wrangling Mr. Barry Sterr said, “Our expert witness took to the stand and gave a compelling account of why Uber is in no way shape or form a taxi company of any kind.  Despite his nose growing over 8 feet in length throughout the cross examination and branches growing from it that had little blue birds nesting in them, I am confident the jury will return the appropriate verdict and rule in our favour as a result of his testimony.”

Uber maintains that it is not a proper taxi company as very few of its drivers vote UKIP or enjoy a good moan about the fact that you used to be able to leave your door unlocked at night if you lived on the Old Kent Road 40 years ago.

The ride app’s lawyers also claim that having drivers that leer at you in their rear view mirror for most of the journey is a completely different experience to riding in a black cab where the drivers simply drone on about whether Arsene Wenger should remain as manager of Arsenal Football Club for yet another season – even though you’ve fallen asleep in the back and support Chelsea.

More than 7.5 million people and 120,000 drivers in the EU currently use the Uber app and whilst the process does indeed involve passengers being taken from one destination to another in return for money, Uber claims this is a completely distinct process from the one black cabs use that instead involves taking passengers from one destination to another in return for money.

“Our expert witness gave a stellar performance in the witness box. The part where he yelled ‘YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!’ before turning into a donkey was particularly convincing,” Mr. Sterr added.


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